Sunday, December 28, 2008


For those of you who don't know me, my name is Lizzy Dabczynski and I'm obsessive about all things Peter Pan, and I think it's very important to visit Neverland on a regular basis. Some people aren't quite sure how to take that.
The thing is, Neverland is very, very real.

There are two types of Neverlands, you see.1. Physical Neverlands are personal and different for everyone. They are places you've visited that hold serious sentimental value. They are places where whenever you visit or have visited you sit there, look, see, smell and suddenly your mind, your heart, your spirit are all in the same place. Everything feels at peace and though there may be discontent people, wars and economic crisis elsewhere - it's not in your Neverland. No, not where you are. Because you're in your special place! You're in Neverland. You're standing in the bottom of the Grand Canyon. You're at Westminster Abbey. You're in a canoe, on a lake in Waterford, Maine. You're sitting by a fire in your house at Christmastime. You're in a forest in Michigan.

2. Mental Neverlands are also personal and different for everyone. There are two branches of the mental neverlands, and the thing about them is that people will try to tell you they're "imaginary" but that's a deceiving, candle-snuffing lie. They're very, very real inside your mind.
The first borders on imaginary, in that you must create it, and change it as your life changes - but it still exists, therefore it isn't imaginary. It is your place of daydream. It is the place in your mind where you are Elizabeth Bennett, and yes, you do fight Pirates, thank you very much. It's the place where you can go skiing through lush gardens or go cliff-jumping off a giant Shortbread cookie. It's where you can think clearly, breathe, feel and know lots of things about yourself and the world around you that you wouldn't have realized had you not visited.
The other mental Neverland, which I think is the far most important type, is the way you live your life. Neverland is conceptual. You decide: will you think happy thoughts today? Will you try to hold on to a child-like state of innocence? Or will you be a greedy, old pirate? It's deciding to believe in fairys - that is to say, believing in those small things that often go overlooked. I think fairys are very real. Not only are they beautiful little creatures that fly around us when we're not looking, they're concepts - they're hope, optimism, charity, love, and general goodness. To believe in fairys is to have faith in people and their potential. Your living Neverland IS those days when you wake up happy, knowing that it will be a good day. Then it is a good day. And you got to sleep with a smile on your face.
That is Neverland.
Welcome, and please, please - come again.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Happy Christmas!

At Christmas time I find myself feeling all those Christmas-associated feelings. The influence of Christ and Christian cheer runs rampant now more than any other time of year. It gladdens my heart and makes my spirit sing.

However, I get caught up with the concept of giving. One of my favorite books growing up was called "The Giver." That has nothing to do with this blog. Anyway - I find that I'm inhibited. I don't have the money to buy the things I would love to give people, and I find that I'm incapable of giving to others (to the fullest extent) the pieces of myself that I would like to give.

But I've been told it's the thought that counts. Too bad I don't entirely believe that.

However, in a feeble attempt to redeem myself and the lack of giving that I feel has taken place, I will tell you what I would give you if i could:
(you being the few who will actually read this blog. I hope you can easily identify yourselves.)

To my sister:
You have served my my whole life through your actions and example. I've learned more from you than from anyone else, i think. I am so grateful to you, and as we have become better friends, I would wish only to give you my undying support and love. I would give you everything that is mine to give.

To Marmee and Derd:
You gave me my life and all my strongest senses of right and wrong, and common sense. You have lead me, and guided me along my whole life - forgiving everything wrong and understanding everything in between. In return, I hope to relieve you with laughs, comfort you with care and understanding, and keep you involved with all the time i have to give, and honest communication in everything.

To Cinderella:
You have given me instantaneous friendship, respect and kindheartedness. I have been overwhelmed, a bit, and surprised by the outpouring, but I really appreciate it so greatly. In return, I give you my fullest degree of gratitude and mutual friendliness, and my hope to cultivate this unexpected, rapid bond.

To Henry:
You have opened my mind, my heart and my eyes in countless ways. I am fascinated by who you are, who you have been, and who you want to be, and learn such new, interesting and engrossing aspects about myself and life because of it. I love who you make me want to be and hope that through my spasmodic and odd fits of life you can know that I hope to give back to you what you have given me. And know that if I could I would give you more time for you to see, listen and learn. But since that's not mine to give, all i can offer is my dearest friendship, highest respect, and a safe space you can fall back on.

To Anemone:
You have been so consistent, and such a thoughtful influence in my life this semester. Such fast friendships, and good bonds are seldom so easily developed. I am grateful for your thoughts, and the ways you choose to express them, because I learn so much. If I could give you anything, I would give you all the success you would ever hope for in any area of your life. I want to see you on top of the world some day, and I will give you anything I can to help you get there.

To my Angel friend:
You have given me more sweetness and compassion than anyone else these past few months. Your light seems to penetrate any darkness and your strength can overcome any obstacle, whether it be yours or not. A gift I would give you is a full heart, and an eternal smile. I would blow up all the cigarette companies in the world, and I would block the dark places in your mind with mirrors to reflect your beautiful spirit. I love you, and hope that shows through every day and shame on me if it doesn't.

At any rate - when angels sing, stars shine and faces smile - I can sing, shine and smile with them. And even though there is a tender regret within my heart, a feeling of inadequacy, a feeling that I should have done more, that i should have put out more, that i should have tried harder to give - I find comfort because it is upon this day that we celebrate Christ's birth, and I know that he CAN give those things that I cannot. He already has given us those things in many cases; the tools and talents to succeed, His support, love, respect, guidance, time and His life.

Merry Christmas, my Friends. I love you and I thank you.

God bless us, Every. One.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

i read it again

listen to your heart:

We form our own lives, we create our own reality, everything works out for the best. I know i drive some people crazy with what seems to be ridiculous optimism, but it has always worked out for me.

Listening is the first step and the last step.

A few individuals touch our hearts, minds and lives with their vision. It's not so much that these special people march to a different drummer, but that they carry their own orchestras around with them in their heads. And when we allow them to play their tunes, the sound reverberates for generations. they make us thin and they make us laugh.

Simple is good

Inspire individuals to be more creative, daring, outrageous and successful without raising your voice.

Show other people how to be by who you are

As we work our way through being human, hopefully we can come out a bit wiser and better for having gone through it all.

Music expresses gentleness and the vulnerability hidden in our hearts.

We see with our eyes. We know with our hearts.

Go and find your songs.

dynamite determination:

If you learn too much of what others have done, you may tend to take the same direction as everybody else.

There are no rules...and those are the rules.

Kermit is the eye in the middle of the hurricane. He's alway's in control. Sometimes just barely. But the interesting thing about it, of course, is that he created the hurricane.

If you care about what you do and work hard at it, there isn't anything you can't do if you want to.

Chase the future, face the great unknown.

together we'll nab it:

Yeah, well i've got a dream too. But it's about singing and dancing and making people happy. That's the kind of dream that gets better the more people you share it with.

There is a sense of our characters caring for each other and having respect for each other. A positive feeling. A positive veiw of life. That's a key to everything we do. I believe that everything we do should have part of that. Sometimes we're too heavy in terms of ourselves and trying to carry an idea, and telling kids what life is about. I often have to tell myself that too.

Whenever characters become self-important or sentimental in the Muppets, then there's always another character there to blow them up immediately.

You are where you are because that's where you need to be.

it starts when we're kids:

When i was young, my ambition was to be one of the people who made a difference in this world. My hope still is to leave the wolrd a little bit better for my having been there. It's a wonderful life and I love it.

I've lived my whole life through my imagination. But the world of imagination is there for all of us - a sense of play, of pretending, of wonder. It's there with us as we live.

Children don't remember what you try to teach them. They remember what you are.

Always be yourself.
Never take yourself too seriously.
And beware of advice from experts, pigs and members of Parliament.

All of a sudden you realize that you are the person who has control of your life.

The most sophisticated people i know - inside they're all children.

No time is wasted time.

There are never enough comfort stops. The places you're going are never on the map and once you gt that map out, you won't be able to refold it no matter how smart you are. So forget the map, roll down the windows, and whenever you can, pull over and have a picnic with a pig. And if you can help it, never fly as cargo.

Life is meant to be fun, and joyous and fulfilling. It's a good life. Enjoy it.

A Part of Everything and Everyone:

I find that it's very important for me to stop every now and then and get recharged and reinspired. The beauty of nature has been one of the great inspirations in my life...The wonderful color schemes of nature that always work harmoniously are particularly dazzling to me. I love to lie in an open field looking up at the sky...

Show me more.

Just looking at the incredible movement of a lizard or a bird or even the smallest insect can be a very humbling experience.

Life is basically good. People are basically good.

There are always these fences we build around ourselves and our ideas. Jim seemed to have no fences.

Concentrate on situations that my energy can affect.

He left this world a happier place because he was here, and i think that's about the finest thing a person can do with his life.

Things don't disappear. They just change, and change, and change again.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008


I was on the postsecret blog. I think it's genius. I think it's quite possibly one of the most brilliant concepts i've ever heard of. Everyone has secrets and everyone has things they want nothing more than to just say. I'm fascinated by it, and I wish that it were my idea, so that i could have access to thousands of secrets - i think i'd better understand the human race that way.

Why don't we tell them?

Are we afraid? What are we afraid of?
Are we nervous?
Scared? But of WHAT?!

Why don't we say what we feel?

If i were to send a postcard to postsecret I think it would be this:

I do tell my secrets to the people that I'd love to know them - but I do it so trickily and inaudibly that they'd never really hear me. But i feel better having said it around them, anyway.


Sunday, December 21, 2008


There is a cube floating in the desert. It is at such an angle where it almost appears as a diamond - but it's still just a cube. It's orange. And fuzzy - almost like it's covered in peach skin. It's tough, but the skin doesn't distract from the prominent, sharp edges of the cube. It's spinning in the air, hovering a few feet off the ground. There's a current of air coming from the bottom of the cube and it's spreading the sand around the bottom of the cube into a circle. At the edge of the circle there's a marble barrier - almost a bowl, containing the cube. And all around the whole thing, meeting the top edge of the marble barrier is a clear force-field. It's a protection of some sort - electric, maybe? But clear, and obvious.

There is a ladder. It's laying flat on the ground in the sand. It's leading up to the cube. It's not made of metal or plastic or wood. Maybe it's stone? Well, it's shiny at any rate. And though it appears to just be a pathway - covered with sand in places - it's still very much it's own entity. The edges of the ladder are not sharp at all.

There is a horse. It is pretty far from everything else. It's got it's eye on the cube and the ladder but it's doing it's own thing-drinking water, eating, walking around. It's got a rope tied around it's neck, leading to somewhere, though I cant tell where the end of the rope is. But, it's a white-ish horse with gray and brown spots and flecks that blend together more around it's back legs/bum area. It's a really stubborn horse, but very, very lovable. It's everyone's favorite horse to ride. It knows it will come to the cube and ladder eventually, but will at it's own pace. Occasionally it turns its head around to look at the cube and ladder - and should something be different about the cube and ladder it would respond immediately, but as long as the cube and ladder stay put, so does the horse.

What do YOU see when you think of a cube, ladder, and horse all alone and randomized in the desert?

Saturday, December 20, 2008

my hands are shaking

well, here are some possible options, i suppose:

that moment when your whole body is filled with butterflies so much that you feel like you should lift right off the ground but can't.

and maybe also because it's 51 degrees in my bedroom

Wednesday, December 17, 2008



Tuesday, December 16, 2008

thin slicing

I'm reading a book that I love.

It's Brilliant.

In it, I've read about the concept of "thin slicing." A concept so profound and so true that until it's pointed out to you, you'd hardly realize that you do it all day every day! Thin slicing refers to the fact that when we are faced with new things, new situations, new people, and sometimes even old situations - we deduce almost immediately how to feel about it, and how to react. I love it.

Based upon the smallest and almost imperceptible things we can realize so much.

An aspect of thin slicing that I've become painfully aware of recently is the fact that the WAY you "thin slice" someone or something can often depend on external influences and factors. It's the concept that you're more likely to do well on a test when you shift your mind into a more professorial mindset, rather than the "unprepared, ignorant student" mindset. Nothing changes about your knowledge or preparedness - only your mindset. One aspect i find exceedingly interesting (and often quite obvious) is that when you surround yourself with positive influences, you're more likely to associate positivity with the world around you.

Here's a test straight from the book:

"We make connections much more quickly between pairs of ideas that are already related in our minds than we do between pairs of ideas that are unfamiliar to us. What does that mean? Let me give you an example. Below is a list of words. Tap your finger in the approrpiate column to assign each name to the category to which it belongs. Do it as quickly as you can. Don't skip over words and don't worry if you make any mistakes.

Male ------------------- Female

That was easy, right?....That was a warm up. Now let's complete an actual IAT [test]. It works like the warm-up except now I'm going to mix two entirely separate categories together. Once again, put a check mark to either the right or the left of each word in the category to which it belongs.

Male or Career-----------------Female or Family

"My guess is that most of you found that a little harder, but that you were still pretty fastat putting the words into the right categories. Now try this:

Male or Family------------------Female or Career

Did you notice the difference? This test was quite a bit harder than the one before it, wasn't it? IF you are like most people, you took a little longer...That's because most of us have much stronger mental associations between maleness and career-oriented concepts than we do between femaleness and ideas related to careers."
(If you click this link,Harvard Research, then you, too can be a part of Harvard's research regarding this theory!)

Interesting, right?

Today - i looked around my room, listening to Glen Hansard, the Beatles, jazz and other such happies, I saw 3 books on my desk next to my joy journal; "Blink," "Peter Pan," and "C.S. Lewis on Joy." I saw a painting of Brian Andreas that says "Feels like some kind of ride but it's turning out just to be life going absolutely perfectly." I saw a Beatles poster, a picture of my grandfather, my sister, my friends, and Jesus. And as i remember where I've been and who I've left pieces of myself with, I feel content.

I think I'm attracted to positivity. I think we all are- but sometimes feel guilty about it. But because of that, I almost want more of it - to be freakishly optimistic is, admittedly, a strange goal I have in sight.
And so,
I can only hope that these external factors really do help my perspective. I think that sometimes I feel them in the things i do and the ways i react. And that - well, that makes me happy.
And happiness is certainly a step in the right direction, after all.

Monday, December 15, 2008

i think:



















thank. you.





thank you













Thank You









Saturday, December 13, 2008

somewhere out there

It's late again.
So obviously, i'm blogging.

What am i thinking about? Oh nothing too serious, really.

I'm just thinking about the fact that there's a meteor shower happening tonight. I can't see it, nor did I see any of it today. The sky was too cloudy and gray. But I feel like I saw it. The fact that it's happening - that little pieces of the universe are falling all around and above the planet is oddly satiating to the soul. I can picture what it would be like in my mind, and that's almost even more exciting! Reality plus a little imagination is something glorious, indeed! But as for the actual meteor shower? Well, someone's watching it somewhere out there. And I'm sure it's convincing someone that there is a God.

But I'm lucky enough to know that. So maybe I didn't need to see the meteors.

Personally, I'm just fine with the stars, thanks! Sometimes i feel bad for them, though. They always shine, they always show up, yet they're always neglected! People really only feel like looking at the stars when they feel lost in the world, when they're trying to have a moment with a significant other, or when there's something "cool" too see like a meteor shower. I think constellations are pretty neat just by themselves! And how sad when people feel disappointed when there are only a couple visible stars in the sky!! First off - ten points to those few stars! Way to shine!! But let's cut the other ones some slack, shall we? It's not like they've just decided not to show up. They're there - somewhere out there. But for whatever reason, the sky is covering them from our view.

And it's comforting - that the other ones are still shining some place in the sky. Let's just hope that someone's looking.

Oh and by the way? This is how i feel:

Friday, December 12, 2008

if the world were awake...

According to Jack Johnson the world IS awake.
(for somebody's sake now, please close your eyes, woman,
please get some sleep -
and you know that if i knew all of the answers
i would not hold them from you-
you'd know all of the things that i know -
cuz we told each other there is no other way! ooh oooooh ooo!)

But what i wonder is what if the world really WERE awake like me, posting blogs at ungodly hours of the morning. Hmm?!

I ask myself why i'm still awake. It's because people start to chat/talk to/text me at strange times of night. I guess people just open up a little more when their brains are running on exhausted reserves of adrenaline. Obviously, i am not exempt from that category (she said as she poured her soul into a blog.)
It's really true though! Walls become a little lower, the hinges of the doors are loosened, the bars of the cage widened and defenses put to rest. I quite like it, actually, it makes me feel more comfortable. Perhaps that's why i like to stay up late! Perhaps I find it comforting to know that all people can and do feel vulnerable. I guess it just sometimes takes a few extra hours of living.

So here's my conclusion:
Political and governmental negotiations of any sort - treaties, UN agreements, etc. etc. should all be made and discussed after midnight. And maybe, just maybe those terrorists would come out of the woodwork, and Osama would admit that all his angst is really just a pent up grudge against Aneesh, when she ran off with Yasuf back in high school and that he'd be willing to stop all the attacks if only they could talk it out over a nice steaming bowl of smoking bishop, (Bob Cratchit!!) and maybe a chocolate chip cookie, too.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

what a beautiful mess

jason mraz is most eloquent. he is the master of word play, indeed.

but i shant post all those creepily accurate lyrics now.

As for today - well, it was a wonderful day!

I almost cried.
Not in the sad way, but in the "Wow" kind of way.
I looked at the trees coming home.
I love walking home but lately i've forgotten that i love it.
Today i remembered.
I looked at the trees, leaf-less and bare, and BEAUTIFUL. The twigs off the branches make the most beautiful patters in the sky.
Next time you have a minute, stop under a bare tree and just look at the lines. The texture is stunning.

I had a good time!
It was so refreshing to spend time with my roommates.
I love laughing but lately i've forgotten that i love it.
Today i remembered.
And we acted silly, joked with each other and suddenly those big, heavy, deep things that people get all in the gutter about all the time didn't seem so grave and melancholy.
Next time you have a minute, find the humor of the situation! It feels great.

I prayed.
Not in any different or more serious way, but just in a factual way.
I love the way i feel when i have a consistent pattern of worship and recognition in my life but lately i've neglected, and have forgotten to maintain it.
Today i remembered.
And I asked to be myself. I figure it's a righteous desire - to beeehehehee yourself. So sad to have not felt like it for the last little while.
Next time you have a minute, ask God for something that he wants for you, too. I'm sure He'll pass it right along :)

And in the cut & pasted words of Jason Mraz,

Things are going to happen naturally.
So i'm taking your advice and looking on the bright side and balancing the whole thing.
I won't worry my life away.
I'd do anything spontaneously.
There's no need to complicate.
Our time is short.

Life is wonderful.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

yield: do you qualify?

It's 1:41 am. I want to go to sleep.


–verb (used with object)

1. to give forth or produce by a natural process or in return for cultivation
2. to produce or furnish (payment, profit, or interest)
3. to give up, as to superior power or authority
4. to give up or surrender (oneself)
5. to give up or over; relinquish or resign
6. to give as due or required
7. to cause; give rise to

–verb (used without object)

8. to give a return, as for labor expended; produce; bear.
9. to surrender or submit, as to superior power
10. to give way to influence, entreaty, argument, or the like
11. to give place or precedence (usually fol. by to): to yield to another
12. to give way to force, pressure, etc., so as to move, bend, collapse, or the like.

....yeahp! guess i'm a yielder.

how about you?

Sunday, December 7, 2008

the best definition of good intentions

Another blog!
(reminds me of "Another Openin' Another show!! la da da da da and Baltimo'!")

Another moment to try to organize this beautiful disaster floating around in my head.

Or not :)

First, I'll start with a story:

Once upon a time there was a girl and it was me. She woke up smiling and went to church. And she went with a softer, more malleable spirit than was usual on other Sundays, and surprise, surprise, it did her a lot of good. She sat thru her classes, hearing themes of forgiveness, the light of Christ, etc. etc. and she felt her burdens were already lighter. Words of wisdom passed thru her head "cast your burdens upon the Lord, for his yolk is light compared to the world in which you live." She smiled and again felt inspired. During sacrament meeting, she sat next to a friend with whom she couldn't help but be glad and again, more inspiration "declare your testimony of the gospel. In doing so you will find peace, joy and happiness." "Well," she thought, "who wouldn't want peace, joy and happiness!!" So she considered approaching the stand to publicly declare her knowledge to the congregation and to God. However due to her membership of a BYU single's ward, the task of approaching the pulpit on fast-and-testimony Sunday (an experience much like rushing the crowd of middle-aged women and angsty-teenage boys at a Rolling Stones concert, I'm sure) seemed a bit daunting. So she didn't speak at the pulpit. Had she the courage to have done so it would have gone a little something like this:
"Hello!" She adjusts the mic. It pops. "Oof!'s...uh...ahem!!...sorry about that!" She clears her throat. "Well, I felt I should make my way up here today to express my testimony as an act of gratitude to my God. These past few weeks have been difficult for me, as I know they've been for many others, and had I not had the support of a loving, all-knowing Father in Heaven I have absolutely now idea how I would have handled it all. In the darkest of times, the knowledge of the truthfulness of the gospel and all it entails is what can bring perspective, and prevent further damage and alienation. I know it is true and I can see it everywhere and in everything. And there is nothing I find more refreshing than to find another metaphor, another analogy or another situation that parallels a principle of the gospel. I know that God gives us these reminders to help strengthen us along the way, on a daily basis, and-" she considers using an "i spy" or "where's waldo" analogy, but relinquishes due to the "inappropriate" context of such a comment ('but i once said "rock on" at the pulpit?!' -yes, and people remember you for that, not the rest of what you said, now don't they- 'true.') "and it's interesting to me to look for them every day, almost like a puzzle! And it makes me glad, and strengthens my testimony. Just the other day something crossed my path that made me understand the atonement just a little bit more. It had nothing to do with my New Testament class, but everything to do with Charles Dickens. And yesterday I realized," she paused, considering carefully her options (jamming out, boogying down, dancing) "listening to Mannheim Steamroller Christmas music that i cannot wait to spend time getting to know my sister, dad and mom for the rest of eternity. And it is thru these daily experiences, more than almost anything else, that I know God loves me. And because God loves me, it is no wonder His gospel is true. It is no wonder that He has sent prophets, apostles and living angels to this earth to see us through. It is no wonder He restored this knowledge to the earth. It is no wonder, and there is no doubt in my mind of its truthfulness. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

But as we know, she didn't get to the pulpit.
In fact, she never left her seat.
Oh well! Maybe next time.
After church, this girl went to ward choir practice. They sounded so lovely, watched her direct intently and were so gentle in the way they sang "silent night" that again, the girl was touched. Afterward, she had the opportunity to smile more with the love and friendliness of those around her who sought out her company. What a Godly thing to do - to seek someone out like that. Then she went home, to be greeted by roommates. They took family pictures, and they really did feel like a family again. She loved it when she and the other 5 girls felt like a family. What a glorious feeling! To be so close as to feel like really, blood-related sisters. It is in those moments when we can really understand the sisterhood of the women on this earth, and the brotherhood of all people across all time! We are all God's children.

Persuasion came next (after a quick visiting teaching appointment) and her heart flew a little. Jane Austen novels, attractive English men, fine acting and film all in British dialect can do one's heart so much good. Not to mention all of it taking place in a room with a squealing, giddy and gleeful couple of girls! It's a movie that can really make you think - and for this girl? Well, she thought. The story deals a lot with firmness of character, determination, forgiveness, understanding, and communication. She asked herself "Hmm...'twere it me - would I be easily persuaded? If I found something so good for me, would I be easily talked out of it or talked out of it at all?!" Not too long after she realized she wouldn't be. What's right is right, what's wrong is wrong, and anything that's more vague than that should just be ignored, right? :)
Too bad life's a little more complicated than that.

Yadda yadda yadda, the girl wound up at her house, with her family, a friend, and a beautiful angel. They ate, they laughed, and nothing - no, nothing - could have been more revitalizing for a tired countenance. (But, some Razzleberry dressing would be nice!!) The irony of things done, the humor of things said, and the twinkling Christmas decor was a fine addition to an already fine day.

Returning to her apartment, the girl ran off to visit teach Marie Bond. What is it about people that can see right beyond such wonderful people like Marie? There is no other girl as centered, as cheerful, as driven, and as entirely admirable as Marie Bond (or, at least not that was known to our story.) Moving on with her day, the girl stopped by a friend's house to give a gift of St. Andrews. It feels neat to be able to do neat things.

And then came some evening hymn singing. "Contrary to public opinion," the girl thought, "it's really some singing on a Sunday evening that helps the medicine go down! ...Or something..."

But what was truly miraculous happened upon REALLY returning back to the apartment. Waiting for her, gently bobbing on the waves as they lapped onto the shore (and by that I really mean "sitting on her kitchen table") was a message in a bottle. The girl was truly tickled. A message in a bottle?! Who's really received a genuine, personalized message in a bottle?! (Cue Sting: Message in a boooottleeeee...dun nuh nuh nuhhh nnuhhh nuhhhh!) Again, she smiled and opened it, smiled some more and continued on her merry way, smiling, and keeping company with herself and with others, until the evening came.

And it was then when she found true closure; when she got to hug her beautiful angel friend, help her into bed, tuck her in and kiss her head goodnight. Somehow, some way - the girl was remeinded that in her life there was, truly, So Much to look forward to.

Now "I'm in need of some serious repose."

But I think if I were to add some things to my list of happies in my joy journal they would be this:
1. New mascara
2. Happy people
3. Making Christmas (la la la!)
4. Revelation
5. Finding things in common with new friends
6. Being an instrument
7. Feeling hopeful so much that all you can do is laugh!
8. The moment when you realize you left makeup marks on a boy's white collard shirt after a hug. Oops!
9. Stuffed animals
10. The smell of pine
11. Knowing there's someone IN love with someone that you love a lot :)
(but....that's a secret that no one knows!)

Friday, December 5, 2008

i feel

Have you ever thought about that moment at the end of the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie where Captain Barbossa gets shot? He says "I feel...cold." (If i remember correctly.) I was always impressed with Geoffrey Rush and how beautifully he conveyed that moment. For a long time this man has felt no feeling - no pain, no joy, no physical, or emotional anything so it would seem. Then finally, though a scary feeling, and rather unique moment - the last moment before death - he feels. And that look on his face, and that apple that falls and rolls away is so very, very special, I think.

And that's a lot like me sometimes: willingly making the choice not to feel for a while - or only to selectively feel. Sometimes I think it's a subconscious defense mechanism. Your body - emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically- is communicating with itself and if something is going out of wack the others will do what they can to keep everything else stable, right? And so, I think, everything can take it's turn going numb.

Until you stop. Until you stop and decide to think about everything. It's easy to be numb when you don't have the time to really feel.

And, quite a bit like Barbossa's death, they may not be the most desirable feelings in the world, but they're awfully refreshing because they're SOMETHING.

Needless to say, happiness is a feeling. It sure is something. And for me, I'm lucky to say, it's a pretty consistent something. I remember writing a little ditty of a song that went something like this:

"I wake up late, the sun shines gold
I don't know much, i don't know much
I wake up and wait for life to unfold
I don't know much, I don't know much"

And that still holds true. Life happens, and I react. I can also make life happen, but continue to react. Nevertheless, we can't help the ups and downs which are, actually, pretty inevitable. I KNOW! Shocking, RIGHT?!

It amazes me, still, that happiness can still sparkle thru even the toughest times. It just goes to show what a powerful, overwhelming emotion joy can truly be. And how overwhelming is it to be able to say on days where things, well, implode: I'm happy.
No wonder it's such a big deal that man is that he might have it.

So, strangely content I remain. Content in my instability. Content in my occasional numbness. Content in my hopefulness and content in my helplessness. Content in my pain. Content in my comfort. Content in trial. Content in victory. Content in my responsibilities. Content in obscurity. Content in clarity. Content in the out of control way of things. But mostly content in the guidance and goodness of God, and thus content in the capacity to always have reason to rejoice.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Wouldn't you love to be a back-up dancer for...Kermit the Frog?

Oh I would. And then maybe I'd be destined for Broadway, too.

So here's my beef lately.
I've been hearing terrible things and it has, interestingly enough, come into a whole bunch of conversations lately: the rumor that my home-boy is now the VEGGIE monster?! EXCUSE ME?!

So I decided to do a little mythbuster-ing and it was a relief to see this:

Fun Facts About Cookie Monster
Description : Cookie lover

Birthday : November 2
Fur Color : Blue
Likes : Eating crunchy fruits, vegetables, and, of course, cookies!
Favorite Food : Cookies, cookies, and more cookies

So: The title remains true. However - likes eating crunchy fruits and vegetables? I'm sorry, when's the last time you knew a cookie-obsessed child who willingly listed "eating crunchy fruits and vegetables" as a "like." I'm just sayin...

And so the myth is busted - kind of. He's still the cookie monster of my childhood, though i don't really agree with his shift in nutritional ethics. Ho hum.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

just tell them to plan to be surprised

and it's on nights like tonight that you just felt like you were going to explode but then everything came together.

and my mom. Heaven bless her, my MOM! Why am i so daft?! Why didn't i think of asking her before?!?! And how have i not realized that God's most consistent portal of communication so far has been through this brave, beautiful woman in my life. I love her and i am so grateful for her wisdom, which she will never admit exists :) Because yes, Virginia, it's possible! You CAN do something with your life that makes room for everything - yes, everything - that makes you truly happy. Take the leap! Check out all the doors because they're ALL open.

and thoughts. Thoughts get put into our head - and they can eat at you for weeks and weeks. They can turn you inside out and set you reeling till nothing can express but what is medically diagnosed as "brain salad" or tears. Or both. And being mildly embarrassed at the foreign feeling of those tears, yet liberated at finally being able to express SOMETHING - anything! - without feeling any inhibitions, nervousness or hesitation becomes strangely satisfying. It's satisfying, too, that all the thoughts make sense eventually - like puzzle pieces you have to stare at for a really. long. time. Or maybe it's more like finding Horcruxes - each thought seems pretty lame at first, and exceedingly frustrating, but after you think about it and figure out the riddle, something gets released - something fantastic, and it feels great. Especially once you've got them all. (gotta catch 'em all! Pokemon!!)

and experiences. For some reason - i know that the fact that this very night last year i stayed up till 4 am talking with Matt Wells was important. I know that suffering a little in the music program is what needs to be my present tense. I know that lactose intolerance hit me this last year or two for a purpose. I know that Jocelyn, Jill, Melissa, Lizzy, Rebecca and Lizi were meant to be. There is no doubt in my mind.

and i am insufficient when it comes to words. I may want to be an eloquent writer, i may want to express myself through words, i may hope to somehow communicate perfectly through writing out my thoughts but - that's not for me. Not tonight. Not at this point in my life. And you know what? That's okay with me. Sometimes.

but what about Ray? Why can't we be more like him. He just tries so stinking hard to please everyone and do everything and be where he's needed - and his heart is so big and soft that even the slightest thing will make him cry because he just wants you to be happy and it hurts him SO BAD to think that he may have done something or been something that caused you to be even slightly unhappy for just a moment.

come to think of it, i'm pretty deficient in expressing myself at all. Okay, i can mind my P's and Q's - say "Thank You" and move on but, really - on the inside I feel like I've visited every continent, talked with every human being and that I can and will save the world or that I will some day do something that could maybe save the world. But on the outside? I'm just tired, short and clumsy. I just play my trambone and sit at a computer. What is it that i will do, or maybe am doing, that could ever do anything as big as this feeling i feel?


12:10 am
yeah - pretty uneventful day

sometimes those are really nice

i don't think this was one of those times
i've been feeling very caged..

in what you feel you can do, or how you can express yourself ... ?

in everything
it's the strangest thing
i feel like i am where i shouldn't be but if i were to go somewhere else that that'd be wrong too
i feel like there's something big inside me that i can't get rid of
and it makes me want to sing and laugh and dance and sprint for miles until i can't run any further
but it's so confusing, because i feel like that big, huge, ebullient feeling is meant for something

then is it a positive thing?

i just don't know what
yeah - it's a positive feeling, but it's having negative repercussions because i don't know where or how to focus it - if that makes any sense.

sure thing
like something big is coming ... and it is exciting and frightening at the same time?

see this is just it
i've just got this anticipation for something wonderful - to DO something wonderful i just have NO IDEA what it's all about!!
is it something going to happen to me? or will i do it? or is it just an excitable state for the sake of being excitable?

good questions. I wish that I could answer them for myself right now too
I don't know if I am experiencing something huge or if I just want to experience something huge and therefore am making it happen ... rather than letting it happen

right right
and you wonder if you're doing what you should be doing - or should you be acting on this feeling, and start doing something you're not!! But what IS it?! And - if you're not supposed to be doing something then maybe it's all just fabricated

that is my worry, yes

mine, too


I like that Dan ends up with Marie in the end but it still sucks for basically the whole movie. He deserves her after all that though. And maybe they can visit a country together where they don't know the language - you know, her perfect day. I think that's a lot like my perfect day, anyway. What a great movie, though. Never get's old!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

if i could

i would write a discourse about how my life parallels to "Across the Universe." I would send it to Julie Taymor. I would also send a plate of cookies and a thank you note, with perhaps a hand-crafted centerpiece of some sort.

Unfortunately that would take hours, and i dare not begin to indulge in the analyzing of such a juxtaposition because it would never end, and never be complete and thus - i shall die.

But lyrics? Yeah, they're pretty powerful.

all you need is love; for the wisdom

let it be (my personal favorite :) ); for the soul

blackbird; for the hope

strawberry fields; for the honesty (start at 2:00)

hey jude; for the attitude

Friday, November 21, 2008

i changed it because i changed my mind.

ive wanted to post for days, but i'm dry and drained, So here's my feeble attempt.

to post is to express
to express is to be vulnerable
to be vulnerable is to become exposed
to become exposed is to be defenseless
to be defenseless is to let your guard down
to let your guard down is to let someone in
to let someone in is to be bold
to be bold is to try to be courageous
to try to be courageous is to have audacity
to have audacity is to be honest
to be honest is to risk
to risk is to live
to live is to see
to see is to rejoice
to rejoice is to laugh
to laugh is to sing
to sing is to reflect
to reflect is to think
to think is to become illuminated
to become illuminated is to understand
to understand is to have expectations
to have expectations is to be disappointed
to be disappointed is to realize
to realize is to feel
to feel is to hurt
to hurt is to heal
to heal is to become stronger
to become stronger is to have experience
to have experience is to gain wisdom
to gain wisdom is to learn the right words to say

and having the right words? well, we all wish for that sometimes, now don't we?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

my own personal post-it note

I love my roommate Jocelyn. We occasionally have the most invigorating discussions, and I love them. Just last night we were talking about the miracle of the fear of death. But she and I don't fear death, we concluded. We decided that instead God instilled in us a love of life. And that's our reason for going on.

So i looked at a blog i wrote once on a time about our expiration dates and why i hope mine isn't for a while. The reasons were these:

1. It's life. Who doesn't love it with all its ups and downs. It's like a fun lil' roller coaster. The ups are a relief and the downs are just thrilling!
2. Got talent? So much God-given potential. Why waste yours when you can change the world!?
3. All you need is Love! It feels SO good! Friends, family, pets - what have you, they love you!! They may not LIKE you but that's a different story...
4. For the Beauty of the Earth. I love flowers, sun, canyons, mountains, rolling hills, wind, water, trees and green and all the earth has to give.
5. Color my world! Color is just too beautiful and fun, really. There's a rumor that everyone in heaven wears white. They say that a lot up there is white. Ew. I'm not ready for white.

Ah, how we so easily forget!

And as tears surround my every move, burdens are made heavy, and as the sun goes down earlier and earlier, we forget the smiles that follow, the relief of a lighter weight, and the beauty of the night-time sky.

He said:
The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it. (J.M. Barrie)

I hope to keep tabs on my diary. I think i'd like it to stay true to what i maybe intended it to be before i came here. I'm sure what i wanted was not despondency and/or miscellaneous distress.
Not to say that we should never feel these emotions - acknowledge them, yes, but dwell in them, noooooo thank you!

All is well that ends well? No.
All is well that is.
For, i am not young enough to know everything.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

my mouth ain't hungry, my chest is empty

i ate a bagel.

turns out, the Einstein brother's bagels' website is a purdy darn rad Flash website.

Acknowledged; i am a nerd. Hello, little captain.

I miss the days of Bruegger's bagels. I remember they would load me up with SO MUCH cream cheese that I scraped most of it off before eating my bagel. Oops, looks like I still do that. Perhaps it's the Bruegger's experiences that helped induce my phobia of white, creamy substances.

Oh and by the way, their website is lame.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

my mouth is hungry, my chest is empty

I love how disoriented everything feels at 2:45 in the morning. And by love, i really do mean love. I think it's fascinating what seemingly silly, useless feelings and bits of information that would otherwise seem insignificant take their place as the leading-lady of the wee hours of the morning.

My brain? Well, in it is a culmination of songs, movie quotes and clips, and honestly - my life flashing before my eyes. And its at times like this when i most wish i could steal away into the deep confines of the HFAC. Just me, a piano, ...and a hundred other insane musicians...playin my heart out. Because what's in it? Music. Always music. Yet i can never really seem to tap into what is written there, and no matter how many times i try to get it out in just the right way, something about what's inside of me changes or i simply remain malcontent. Isn't that always the way? How glorious will be the day when what we feel all pent up inside can be expressed in just the way we'd like it.

But the lyrics to it all? What is my own, i find elementary. So sad.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

you know that november has come when it's gone

I can't stand it. I have so much to say and yet nothing at all. I don't even know how to attack it! It's amazing to me how so much can happen in such a short amount of time, and so much can be in your head and all means of expression, save prayer alone, seem inadequate and/or dry.

In a meager attempt, I'll try to break it down.

What I have felt in the past two days:

Overwhelming gratitude
I walked. I prayed. I am glad. And the leaves shining in the rain and street lights at night is a sight that can illuminate the poorest soul.

Ebullient joy
I always thought ebullient should be a word that should be appropriate for inanimate objects, like a coffee pot. I guess it's because I never thought that I would reach a point where i was ebullient with something...but now I am. And it is joy, pure joy.

The spirit of Pocahontas
I followed the, sort of. It was spectacular and taught me a lot that I really needed to know. It's great how you can seek one thing and come back with bunches of others.

Hidden Guilt
Am I allowed to do what I do? What I want to do? Is it offensive? It's hardest especially when you know that you're not what you want to be. And that fuzzy line between selfishness and selflessness is a path I fear I tread too often. I hate it.

I want to help. Come to me, please, it's okay! I won't tell secrets and I can give good hugs, I swear! Go ahead, and let your guard down; no walls, locked doors or cages...

Apologetic and responsible
I am so sorry. I do things i don't mean to do. I say things i don't mean to say. And the things I do mean to say that come out the wrong way weren't supposed to come out like that. And it surprises me, just like it surprises you, i promise. I only ever mean to uplift, to gladden and if those goals are not accomplished in full, then my work is most incomplete. And if my avoidance of confrontation has made this all worse for you, then my silence is my worst mistake.
I'm sorry I don't have enough time.
I'm sorry if the needle pinched you.
I'm sorry I can't talk about how I feel.
I'm sorry that you make me nervous.
I'm sorry I don't visit as often as I should.
I'm sorry I forgot.
I'm sorry to admit my weaknesses so bluntly.
I'm sorry for not knowing you better.
I'm sorry for being difficult to understand.
I'm sorry for being neglectful.
I'm sorry if I seem uninterested.
I'm sorry I forgot to smile.
But please, please accept me as human and don't leave. And contrary to One Republic and Timbaland - it is SO not too late to apologize, hey heh, heh heh....

Relentless Restlessness
I think I'm still trying to figure out how to blossom where I'm planted.

I don't need anything, and somehow everything seems right! I'm surrounded by good people and family, enveloped in the fall, learning, growing and celebrating each day!

Pending Excitement
Something's coming. I dunno what. But it's coming and it's gonna be rad.

Apprehensiveness and anxiousness
I don't know why, really. I suppose feelings of inadequacy, and such. Blah blah blah - it's my United States of whatever so...WHATEVA!

At this time of year, there are so many things to look forward to. Current projects, like Christmas Carol, work, and building friendships thrill me! As does the Holiday season - good food, friends, family. Voila - life is perfect!

I know, I know. Get over it, right? Nah - if we don't remember where we've been then we can't know where we're going. I just have to look at the less than respectable moments in a more neutral light, assuming all is dealt with properly. I also am learning to leave pieces of myself in positive places and avoid moments that may make me feel regretful.

Peace and love
And as i sit here at 12:30 Monday morning, eating my leftover Thai food, chasing time all the while and feeling the glorious pressures of living, I can say that I know my Savior lives, and loves me too! The Spirit whispers it to me, and tells me it is true.

Friday, October 31, 2008

just some mind vomit for another thoughtful evening

Oh, all right then. Just this once.

Think about it - it makes sense.

Really, pick any metaphor you like.

Monday, October 27, 2008

The Magnificence of Man

I read a talk today by Elder Russel M. Nelson. He's pretty much the man.

"God has made it plain over and over again that the world was made for mankind. We are here to work out our divine destiny, according to an eternal plan that was presented to us in the great council of heaven. Our bodies have been created to accommodate our spirits, to allow us to experience the challenges of mortality and continue our eternal progression."

Thought #1:
See first italics.
I know that God created this world for me, for us and for everyone and everything in it. Every single day of my life, God blesses me and my senses with this world and everything in it, and for that i am most grateful.

Thought #2:
See second italics.
I think that a challenge of mortality for me is that my body wasn't made to accommodate my spirit at all! It's too tired, mostly, too restless, too constricting, and too lots of other things sometimes (most times) for my spirit to be content. I think that's why i feel somewhat anxious on a daily basis.
But it's okay. I'm willing to face that challenge.



Sunday, October 26, 2008


Also, this is kind of how i'm feeling. Strange, I know.

so you say it's your birthday

For the first time in years i forgot to write in my journal. Actually, forgetting to write in my journal is nothing unusual at all! But I always always always take my last opportunity as a 15 year old, 16 year old, 17 year old but not 18 year old to write in my journal and jot down a few quick thoughts about what i am feeling and how I feel about my life and my situation.

Oh well.

Life is always fabulous and my situation is always in a mild state of obscurity and upset. Same ol' same ol'....

But I've really come to appreciate, over the past little while, the richness of life. There is so much to drink in every day, and i've come to know that if i'm really having an off day, it's manifest by the fact that i do not enjoy my walk home. It's long, yeah, but i LOVE my walk home. I love walking across the grass, crunching the leaves. I LOVE the color yellow and that it saturates everything I see. I love the air in the fall so much. It seems to me that the air in the fall is very much like the air around 1:00 in the morning during the summers. It's chilly, yet invigorating, and people go nuts! At that time of the morning during summers, or in the fall, everyone seems to be running on adrenaline - exhausted by the day (or the continuous weeks) - and yet there's this ignorant grin on everyone's faces. Still so happy, yet so strangely and temporarily misaligned.

There is always something in the air. Right now? Anticipation.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

i'm just sayin'

So - i was on the infamous facebook today, you know - that terribly addictive force that seems to have a physical binding pressure in people's lives. No one sends out paper invitations with R.S.V.P's anymore - (an RSV-WHAT!?) no,'s all on facebook "Events" and "groups." Fine. I can deal with that.

What i wonder about are the status updates. You've got people who really wear their emotions on their sleeve and every 10 minutes or so, So-and-so is feeling low, so-and-so is so glad whatever just happened, so-and-so really needs a hug, so-and-so wants to scream. But for the most part, people don't like so-and-so's all too frequent and honest status updates. Most people try to put something witty, something fresh, something fun.

But what if we all really put our "stati" as they really are. What if it actually said "Lizzy Dabczynski is wondering if that boy in the library will stop humming because if he doesn't, she may just go MAD!" or "Lizzy Dabczynski thinks So-And-So needs to grow a backbone, stop complaining and get over their bad-selves" or "Lizzy Dabczynski thinks people need to learn how to communicate properly and learn the age-old art of compliments and flattery when in the game of wooing."
If people put their REAL status' on facebook, i think there just might be a valid forecast of world peace in the near future.

I'm just sayin....

Monday, October 13, 2008

the walk home

and with a tear in her eye and mild sadness in her heart, she realized she would not ever see the sun set from all angles of the earth.

How ARE you?

He asks how I am,
And so, how am I?
My days are the usual day.
I wake up, I go out,
Time goes by.
My days are exactly the days
I have lived since arriving here.

So why is it lately I find I’m
Uneasy all through the night?
And why even now does my skin
Feel explosive as dynamite?
Why does my heart pound
Like a battering ram?
How can he ask me how I am?
How I am is fine!

But really, this is what i said:
How am i? Well, let me tell you!
tired (obviously :) and i apologize to the world for it), anxious - yet excited - sad that the world is so beautiful and i have so little time to see it, but glad that i get to see what i do get to see every day, i am at peace because i know God loves me but unsettled as to whether he knows (or, rather if i'm showing actively enough) that i love Him, I am grateful and yet sinfully covetous
with much apprehension, but lucky ignorance
and in that, i remain oddly contented and extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemely fantastically thrilled to still be breathing and grateful for life and for laughing.
But mostly grateful for the ability to smile unconditionally.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

another day brings me back here.

Everyone wants to write something, i think. They want to write something that changes lives, that affects someone and that really hits the spot, whatever that spot may be. It's gotta have "it!" Whatever the "it" refers to.

I don't think this is that blog.

I think this is just the blog that everyone writes when they're trying to write the spectacular memoir on life and religion, or on living in harmony - as one with oneself and with the world. This is that blog - that pseduo-spectacular thing - that is interesting to none but the reader.

Thought number one:
Isn't it delightful to be touched? I think so. It's quite pleasing to have someone want to be close to you. It gives you the impression that they care and may have particular interest. Juxtapose it with all the strings attached and it's not so much fun anymore.

Thought number two:
"Isn't it funny?!" She says and looks at me, laughing with mutual appreciation and understanding, while simultaneously he spouts "Isn't it funny?!" with that same look of awareness and comprehension. And then, looking from her to him, him to her, it all makes sense. The phrase "middle man" comes to life, as does the phrase "3rd wheel." And it all makes sense that Dan in Real Life is biographical and so very, very true tl life. All you can expect is to be surprised, and..SURPRISE! Sometimes things just happen. Which is good! But why, then, is there so much apprehension? And why is it that the unwritten rules are what keep everything all at bay? Doesn't it just make sense for everything to work out great? But - are personal insecurities, and self esteem more important than mutual attraction and happy endings? Probably. And that's when reality sets in again. Don't you just wanna kick it and smash it with a frying pan?!?!

And then there is everyone else. It's good that there are other options. It makes it a little easier pill to swallow. It's nice that everyone else is kind, and attractive and mildly invested, perhaps. I'm too used to it, though, i suppose. I should be independent and take time to "figure myself out" That's not what i want.

Mostly, I do just want to not have to try. It scares me to have to get to know people - i dont' know how! I've gotten too used to being myself, my whole self, all the time and not being judged for it. What then? What if it's not desirable. What if it's not wanted or appreciated.

Why can't we all just be honest and say what we feel!?

Monday, April 14, 2008

Church is cool.

So i was in Sunday School yesterday and someone shared a quote they liked from the latest General Conference.
President Thomas S. Monson said (in priesthood session - cool that i didn't get to even hear it...)

"Today the face of evil sometimes wears the Halloween mask of tolerance."

Kind of looks ok and is treated as ok...but it's not ok.

I dunno, it just kind of stuck out to me and i really liked it.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

What am I supposed to expect?!

All right -
This post, for you few who may actually read it, may come off as bitter or resentful or something else negative. It's not. It's just pent up frustration about my angst towards some aspects of society.

What i don't understand is why people think it's required to be mad at someone to have something interesting happen. I don't get why they think it's ok to "have" to fight so that they can be "closer" afterwards. Doesn't that just create doubt and hesitation from then on out?

What i don't understand is why people can get away with SO much because it's an "alternate" way of thinking - some sort of "alternate" lifestyle, when in fact it is twisted, or wrong, or disgusting, or harmful. BUT because we don't want to "push the poor sensitive people away" we baby them and baby them and "help them" and tell them it will be ok to the point where we're almost promoting the inappropriate behavior!! What's the DEAL!?

What i don't understand is why some people expect SO much of you and don't forgive you if you don't reach their level of expectance and don't let you off the hook if you haven't done what they want and yet they give you NOTHING in return. How can you possibly go on completely on your own. That's backwards, isn't it?

What i don't understand is why people act one way one day and then act another way another day. Is it so wrong to be consistent and be fine with yourself and everyone around you on a regular basis? Do we need to judge others to make ourselves feel better or something? Why can't we just feel good about ourselves and get on with it?!

And that's what i don't understand.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Expiration Dates and Reality

So it's been a while since i've "blogged"
Here i go:

Lately i've had a lot on my mind, and really, who doesn't? But something that i've found surprising is the element of death and how it's, in essence, haunting me.
Now, don't get me wrong - the suicide awareness videos, ads, and such always say that the signs of someone who "just might try it" is that they think about it, talk about it (as though they're calling out for someone to stop them) and such like that.
This is not me.
Heck! I was a 3-year member of the H.O.P.E (Hold On, Persuade, Empower) squad student suicide counseling club at my high school.
I'm legitimately glad to be alive.
1. It's life. Who doesn't love it with all its ups and downs. It's like a fun lil' roller coaster. The ups are a relief and the downs are just thrilling!
2. Got talent? So much God-given potential. Why waste yours when you can change the world!?
3. All you need is Love! It feels SO good! Friends, family, pets - what have you, they love you!! They may not LIKE you but that's a different story...
4. For the Beauty of the Earth. I love flowers, sun, canyons, mountains, rolling hills, wind, water, trees and green to not have what the earth has to give. I just planted a pot of flowers, for goodness sake! Cant leave that undone.
5. Color my world! Color is just too beautiful and fun, really. There's a rumor that everyone in heaven wears white. They say that a lot up there is white. Ew. I'm not ready for white.

SO! That being said, allow me to elaborate on the morbidity that i alluded to earlier:

My whole life i've never been afraid of dying. A lot of people have an instilled fear of death. The only thing i fear would be what i leave behind - sadness, extra responsibility and the creating various holes that i currently fill. Joseph Smith, I think it was, once said that if we here on earth knew what the other side was like we'd be trying every type of suicide to get ourselves there faster, but the Lord has given us a fear of death to keep us here until we accomplish our purposes and finish out our responsibilities. I know i haven't filled mine yet, and even if i have - i'm having fun so I'm here to stay.

However, i'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to the relief, to the joy, to the light and to the beauties.

It seems as though, with life as busy as it is, i've thought how i just don't want to live through today. I often wish that the veil was more thin that it even is now, where some days we could just cease to exist as mortal, and the next day hop right back in after our lovely vacation. (and they say Hawaii is a good destination! HA!) Some days get so hard, and situations happen were I just think to myself that death would be better. A release would be better. But then again, how would I ever aspire, learn and grow, or be rich and famous as a dead person? Perhaps if i took up painting and left a few hundred bizarre canvases behind I could pull that off....

Nevertheless, sometimes i'll stand on the corner of the street and think "if i took three steps out, it'd be done for!" Sometimes i think "if only i slipped on this ice, i could fall and hit my head and spend weeks in the hospital and not have to worry about anything."

Life is such a fragile thing.

Maybe this has to do with my fear of cancer. I'm not afraid of cancer, actually, i think if i had to go thru chemo i'd live it up as best i could with funky wigs - a different one every day - and cool hats and turbans and scarves and such. What i'm afraid of is not knowing i have it. I woke up with a splitting headache today. I never get headaches, let alone right when i wake up. My first thought is "What if i have a tumor? What if i'm having a cranial hemorrhage? What if this is a slow acting aneurism?" Oh the uncertainty and uniqueness of the human body!

For reasons like that, reasons of the unknown, reasons like you could be dying and not even know it - (i think healthy living is just the slowest way of dying...) - it's reasons like that that make me wonder if God gave us expiration dates. I think we all have one - we must. He sure as heck knows about it...but we just haven't found where he's written it down.
It's engraved in our hearts, perhaps?
Maybe on the inner liner of our femurs?
The inside edges of the scapula?
Nope! I've got it.
The rectum. No one would ever look there.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I flew into the Faddisphere!

This weekend has been absolutely one of the most stunning of my life.

It started like this:

Middle of February i tried contacting the Ed Keane agency - the one that manages Jon Faddis - to see if I could set up a way for Bryce and I to meet him when he came to SLC on March 10 for a concert, which also happens to be Bryce's birthday.
Well, i didn't hear back from them and gave them a call a week or two later - and got a call back from Jon Faddis HIMSELF! He left a message on my phone (I was in class) and this is what it said:

Yes, Hi Elizabeth! This is Jon Faddis and i was just given, uh, your number by my booking agent's office about meeting you and Bryce when I come out with my band to Salt Lake City. Um, and i'd be happy to meet with you - I'm actually coming in the day before Sunday, so if you wanna give me a call uh, and you know maybe we can do something then i don't even know, but it's possible. If Bryce wants to get together and hang or something, you know, we'll do that. My phone number, you probably have it on your phone is 201-960-2620. Looking forward! Thanks! Bye.

Anyway i flipped out, called him back, and he said he couldn't really set up any details because he wasn't exactly sure when he'd be coming in, etc. etc. so we set up that i would call him a day or two before hand to get some things set in stone. He continued to chat for a minute or two and gave me a hard time about Bryce and it was pretty funny.

Well, on Friday March 7th, i called Jon again and he said "well what is it that Bryce would like to do?" and i said "Anything! I'm sure he'd just love to hang, chat, play with you - whatever!" Jon said "well, i'll tell you what - i'll give him a lesson - here's what I need." He told me he'd like Bryce to write an autobiography about himself focusing on anger, fear, guilt and pain - how he deals with those feelings, what causes those feelings in him and how the feelings effect his music.

So Sunday we go up and have a lesson with him. He kept us for TWO AND A HALF HOURS! i was stunned. I expected 30 minutes to an hour tops! He was so wise! He talked a lot about how hidden, subconscious emotions effect our playing and progression as a musician and how we need to deal with these emotions in an appropriate way. He gave more of a life lesson than a trumpet lesson. One thing i find and love about true jazzers is that they just want to share the love and the knowledge. The good majority of them - the ones who are TRULY gifted - Wycliffe Gordon, Carl Allen and the Jazz faculty, Jon Faddis - They're all classy people. They know how to live. They know why to live. They know how to play and why to play becuase they know how to live and why to live. It's fantastic and i truly feed off their wisdom.

Anyway - lesson done, we go to the concert the next day (today) Monday, March 10th and he plays his concert. It's fantastic! I had suggested to Bryce that he bring his trumpet just in case, and Ben from synthesis said the same thing. Anyway - there was a standing ovation, and for the "final number" Jon starts talking into the mic. about how he was so fortunate and how artists just love to educate and teach - how the good ones just love to get the knowldege out there and how the previous day - two people had come for a lesson. He imitated me all funny-like and said "I got a call from Elizabeth when i was in New York, she said 'HI! Can i get a lesson for my boyfriend??!?!" Anyway - he asked if we were still there, and we were, and he said "You bring your horn?" Bryce said yes and he said "well get ready!"

It was so fun, i was so thrilled!! Bryce went up on stage and he looked nice - but was in jeans - and of course Jon gave him a hard time about that ("That's what you wore to my concert!!") he made Bryce tuck in his shirt. Ha.
Anywho - he announces that they're gonna play Louis Armstrong's West End Blues. Jon ripped up the intro and Bryce came in on the head - Jon harmonized with him and they sounded great!! He gave Bryce a solo, and when he was done - Jon piked up the mic and started to sing a blues "You can't trust a man, no matter what you do - now i say you can't ever trust a man no matter what it is you do - because any man, oh he'll take advantage of you" Then he handed it to Bryce who said "It's possible. But it's not my style - now i say it really is possible, but it's just not my style! Cuz Baby you drive me WILD!" It was hilarious and Jon was feeding him lines and it was just too funny. Then they soloed together and i couldn't have been more grateful. They sounded fantastic!!

...and i just had to forget my camera tonight.
After the concert, people attacked Bryce - giving cards, exchanging numbers and I thanked Jon. The guy who runs the Sheraton Jazz in SLC KISSED me even saying "Oh! Are YOU elizabeth!?" People were telling me how great Bryce sounded. We walked out of the room with the crowd, Jon Faddis included, and he sat down to do autographs. He said "Bryce, could you come do me a favor?" He asked bryce to get his bag and his juice back stage. Then the guy who runs the Sheraton Jazz Series said we could go get some food in the green room and wait for them to come back - which they did. It was so fun! He was so much more loose and funny than he was yesterday. He was hard to read, and intimidating yesterday but he was funny tonight. I got a free signed CD and luckily there was a professional photographer there who said we could get some pictures if we e-mailed him.

In the green room, Jon kept giving Bryce good advice - told him he had good chops. It was fantastic!! Oh what a joy. The photographer got pictures with us and Bryce stood to Jon's right - i stood to his left and he's so TALL! He tickled us and it was funny. He made fun of us a lot and I asked if we could keep in touch! He said "oh i'll expect you to!"

I love God for doing this. I love love love love LOVE HIM!!!

Monday, February 25, 2008

The Story:

So once upon a time there was a girl and it was me and i was running fast in the woods like unto Pocahontas and it was free and wonderful and great!! I was flying fast and free, doin' my thang, as it were. Life was easy, life was challenging, life was GOOD! Fly away girl, just fly away!!

Then all of a sudden and out of the blue, a bear popped out from behind a tree. "Growl!" it said with a playful look in it's eye. I was frightened at first, and i said "Hey..BEAR! Don't you look at me that way!" After that, the bear and i established a great friendship and the bear ran with me thru the woods. We ran, frolic and romp! Frolic and romp!

Soon we found ourselves hiking up a beautiful mountain with trees, flowers, water and many a tall' forest grass. The exercise was fulfilling and the scenery was illuminating, but I was lost in the vegetation!! very lost when

I fell of a cliff.

I just kept falling and falling. The wind was rushing thru my hair and past my face. It was so cold and unfortunately, there was nothing to catch me. I couldn't pull a Road-Runner and just walk on the air. I couldn't pull an Indiana Jones and reach out to grab any one of the convenient trees growing out of the side of a rock cliff. I just fell through the air.

Eventually I began to realize that falling in the air is very much like flying.


Friday, February 22, 2008

Out of my Hands

"Out Of My Hands"
Dave Matthews Band

Out on my window ledge
I don't feel safe
And I stay
Looking down on you

It's out of my hands for now
It's out of my hands for now

I can't just walk away
Be nice to walk away
But I don't feel safe
Get away, all the way up here

Its out of my hands for now
Its out of my hands for now

Oh it is
Down in from here
And down from here
Start to feel insane
Out on my window ledge

Now our finest hour arrives
See the pig dressed in his finest fine
And all that believe stand behind him and smile
As the day lights up with fire

Let me in
Let me in

I start to feel like I'm crazed


Out on my window ledge

Now our finest hour arrives
See the pig dressed in his finest fine
And all the believers stand behind him and smile
Watch the day's lights up with fire

Looking down from here
It's outta my hands for now
Out on my window ledge
It's outta my hands for now
So let me in
Let me in

Thursday, February 21, 2008


Being a music major makes me feel like a juice bag.
I love it too much to quit, i hate it too much to keep going.

Talk about a pickle, huh!?

Sunday, February 17, 2008


Today...uh, er i mean tonight I am grateful. Maybe there should be two thanksgivings a year so i can celebrate the wonderful nature of my life right now.

1. I don't think my face has hurt so much so consistently from smiling so consistently.
2. It is so fantastic that despite the travails and despondent moments of life can be totally and completely obliterated in one word, look, or gesture.
3. Jazz music is for dancing.

4. I am so grateful to my God for everything he has given me.
- - I am at a fantastic university
- - i have the best roommates that ever did live
- - and I truly believe that it is God's grace and mercy that put away my trombone tonight after my Synthesis concert.
- - (Not to mention how the spirit uplifted us all during the performance and it was great!!)

5. I feel like heaven isn't so far. If you really think about it - the Lord puts people on this earth for each other. I am here for you, and you are here for me (whoever "you" are) - YES! it's true! (I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together? Goo goo ga joob?) So I can say i get hugs from God every day because he is trusting one of his sons or his daughters to hold me for just one moment in His tender spirit. All things that are good come of God. Happy feelings are good. Hugs are good. People are good. So people who hug you and give you happy feelings are from God. It's just the way it is.

And i even have heaven-sent flowers on my table. I got them for Valentines Day.
They're the prettiest flowers I've ever seen.

Friday, February 15, 2008

La la la la la Life is Wonderful!

Do you ever have those days where you think everything is so drab and then God plays a trick on you and everything is actually 100% amazing?!?! too.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Oh happy day! Oh happy day!

There is so much to say!

I was sitting in church today and i thought to myself "this is a blog day!"

I'm happy, i feel good. Life is fantastic.
As opposed to my first blog here, i am feeling so much better! I don't want to run away. Granted, i feel very anxious much of the time, thinking about all the places there are to see and all that there is to do. There is much to do in life, and i definitely intend to do it all. Good thing i'm going to live to be 100!!

However, for now, i'm where I should be. I'm with people who love me. I'm learning. I'm having fun!

Everything is illuminated.

I took off my high heels and ran home from church with Lizi. The sun is out! We spun outside, barefoot, with skirts flowing. And i must admit that though i don't usually think of myself as an "attractive" person, it's those times, and usually only those times, when i feel truly beautiful. Who wouldn't be, laughing and twirling in the sun!?

Music is life. I love it. It fills me up.

Spontaneity is life. I love it. It makes me laugh.

Service is life. I love it. I want to do so much more lately. I think i'm going to find an outlet.

People are life. I love them! And i've realized that i've been far to self-centered lately. The difference between me in September, me in December/January, and me now is that i started with my head on straight, it got knocked out of place for a little while, and now i'm fixing it up again. I had priorities, i lost them, and i'm gaining them back! It was about goals, and getting to know people and loving others. Then it got to be about surviving, doing what I need to do, and (regrettably) allowing all other thoughts to wander away. Now i've realized that change! I need to make a change for the better. I'm not actively thinking. Everything is so passive. It's going to change! I'm not being attentive to my spiritual welfare and that's going to change too! I'm excited for what's ahead.

But mostly i'm excited for the nap i'm going to take today.
Tee hee. :)

Wednesday, February 6, 2008


he said i am beautiful


Sunday, February 3, 2008

i hurt.

I feel as though i am a time-bomb.
Life is a beautiful forest, and each friend i make plants a new tree.
As friendships grow, the trees grow tall and thick and beautiful and green.
And then something happens.

No more tree. It's all just charred debris.
Eventually some seedlings may try to poke through.
But it takes twice as long for those to grow in the barren, burnt soil.
This is how i feel.
This is what happens to me.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Still enjoying the humor

So lately, as i've been trying to find an outlet for my anxiety and a solution to my stress, i've realized a far better alternative to becoming a hermit and hiding away. I just decided to find friends in different places! Away from here. And thus it has happened that on Sunday I visited some friends in a different area of dorms. They have NO idea who the people are i my life, nor do the important people in my life know who they are. Tis a fantastic feeling!
And just today, two of my friends that i've been..well...friendly with over the past semester both suggested that we go on a date! My what can happen in just a week!
Relationships fall apart, relationships mend and new relationships are born all so quickly!
I am content and I know that God loves me.
Yes, all of the experiences - all the lows and all the highs testify that to me.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

...enjoy the humor of the situation?

Today was a "low" day for me.

I woke up late morning, felt like crap, ate some food feeling like crap, went back to sleep till 2, woke up feeling like crap, and went to the music building to practice and do homework (and watch x-men :) ) - but all still feeling like crap.

I feel as though i need to and should lock myself away, never to be seen FOREVER! (and sometimes when adults say "forever" they just mean "a very long time...")

I know that's completely irrational and whatever but i am hurting people and i can't stand it. I was at a huge dance thing tonight (took me a lot to finally decide to go) and i spent a lot of time with a very good dear friend of mine who i haven't spoken with much all week - so we decided to leave and chill and watch the best of Will Ferrell on DVD. Then my roommates came home, not expecting to see us there, and with them was the boy in question from blog #1. I felt kind of bad - because he seemed a little upset by it - but why?! We're not exclusive! It's just insane. I feel so guilty ALL the time. And he happens to be really good friends with my roommate so...she's telling me to talk to him and to not be a jerk and she's even going so far as to compare me to someone who 100% pulled the rug out from under me earlier this year - and by 100% i mean he hasn't really talked to me for two months until just this week. I am not that person. I want to be friends with everyone! Or i just need a of friends..boyfriend who lives far away and doesn't attend BYU who can take me away. Always.

Maybe i should just be in love with my trombone and perhaps something in my life would be accomplished.

Good grief!

Friday, January 11, 2008

Secrets and Bombshells

And again, these famous, overused words: I've been thinking a lot.

Today i feel like I don't handle things well. I would almost dare to use the word "Scared" when talking about social situations.

I wrote a comic once about a friend of mine and I. This friend ran away from me and just disappeared so i drew a coming about the "Friendship gremlin" who went about day-to-day destroying friendships. The friendship gremlin also controlled a series of switches that determined one's disposition.

Right now i feel like the friendship gremlin has switched all my switches to "berserk" and i don't know how to handle myself.

Thus, this is what I have determined:

1. I shall keep secrets
2. I shall record my secrets in a place that is my own
3. I shant put myself out there too much for anyone or anything becuase;
4. When i get emotionally involved, it (whether a situation, or relationship or what have you,) explodes.

I was talking with a friend of mine and i said to this friend, "Friend, i am an atomic bomb!" And this is how i truly feel. What i touch is usually destroyed somehow. Tis a curse. A curse that leaves me feeling guilty, damaging and always asking for forgiveness.

I really am sorry and i don't mean to do it. I just can't stand to waste time or see unhappiness and when those things happen i'm so very easily frustrated.

Secrets secrets are so fun
Secrets are for me!