Wednesday, November 26, 2008

just tell them to plan to be surprised

and it's on nights like tonight that you just felt like you were going to explode but then everything came together.

and my mom. Heaven bless her, my MOM! Why am i so daft?! Why didn't i think of asking her before?!?! And how have i not realized that God's most consistent portal of communication so far has been through this brave, beautiful woman in my life. I love her and i am so grateful for her wisdom, which she will never admit exists :) Because yes, Virginia, it's possible! You CAN do something with your life that makes room for everything - yes, everything - that makes you truly happy. Take the leap! Check out all the doors because they're ALL open.

and thoughts. Thoughts get put into our head - and they can eat at you for weeks and weeks. They can turn you inside out and set you reeling till nothing can express but what is medically diagnosed as "brain salad" or tears. Or both. And being mildly embarrassed at the foreign feeling of those tears, yet liberated at finally being able to express SOMETHING - anything! - without feeling any inhibitions, nervousness or hesitation becomes strangely satisfying. It's satisfying, too, that all the thoughts make sense eventually - like puzzle pieces you have to stare at for a really. long. time. Or maybe it's more like finding Horcruxes - each thought seems pretty lame at first, and exceedingly frustrating, but after you think about it and figure out the riddle, something gets released - something fantastic, and it feels great. Especially once you've got them all. (gotta catch 'em all! Pokemon!!)

and experiences. For some reason - i know that the fact that this very night last year i stayed up till 4 am talking with Matt Wells was important. I know that suffering a little in the music program is what needs to be my present tense. I know that lactose intolerance hit me this last year or two for a purpose. I know that Jocelyn, Jill, Melissa, Lizzy, Rebecca and Lizi were meant to be. There is no doubt in my mind.

and i am insufficient when it comes to words. I may want to be an eloquent writer, i may want to express myself through words, i may hope to somehow communicate perfectly through writing out my thoughts but - that's not for me. Not tonight. Not at this point in my life. And you know what? That's okay with me. Sometimes.

but what about Ray? Why can't we be more like him. He just tries so stinking hard to please everyone and do everything and be where he's needed - and his heart is so big and soft that even the slightest thing will make him cry because he just wants you to be happy and it hurts him SO BAD to think that he may have done something or been something that caused you to be even slightly unhappy for just a moment.

come to think of it, i'm pretty deficient in expressing myself at all. Okay, i can mind my P's and Q's - say "Thank You" and move on but, really - on the inside I feel like I've visited every continent, talked with every human being and that I can and will save the world or that I will some day do something that could maybe save the world. But on the outside? I'm just tired, short and clumsy. I just play my trambone and sit at a computer. What is it that i will do, or maybe am doing, that could ever do anything as big as this feeling i feel?


12:10 am
yeah - pretty uneventful day

sometimes those are really nice

i don't think this was one of those times
i've been feeling very caged..

in what you feel you can do, or how you can express yourself ... ?

in everything
it's the strangest thing
i feel like i am where i shouldn't be but if i were to go somewhere else that that'd be wrong too
i feel like there's something big inside me that i can't get rid of
and it makes me want to sing and laugh and dance and sprint for miles until i can't run any further
but it's so confusing, because i feel like that big, huge, ebullient feeling is meant for something

then is it a positive thing?

i just don't know what
yeah - it's a positive feeling, but it's having negative repercussions because i don't know where or how to focus it - if that makes any sense.

sure thing
like something big is coming ... and it is exciting and frightening at the same time?

see this is just it
i've just got this anticipation for something wonderful - to DO something wonderful i just have NO IDEA what it's all about!!
is it something going to happen to me? or will i do it? or is it just an excitable state for the sake of being excitable?

good questions. I wish that I could answer them for myself right now too
I don't know if I am experiencing something huge or if I just want to experience something huge and therefore am making it happen ... rather than letting it happen

right right
and you wonder if you're doing what you should be doing - or should you be acting on this feeling, and start doing something you're not!! But what IS it?! And - if you're not supposed to be doing something then maybe it's all just fabricated

that is my worry, yes

mine, too


I like that Dan ends up with Marie in the end but it still sucks for basically the whole movie. He deserves her after all that though. And maybe they can visit a country together where they don't know the language - you know, her perfect day. I think that's a lot like my perfect day, anyway. What a great movie, though. Never get's old!

1 comment:

  1. PS, you totally can write, and are superbly eloquent in getting it down in words. also, i think this is how the world feels all the time, so excited to be doing something but always having negative things happen. 'well, excited and scared. and i know things now many valuable things that i hadn't know before' :)