Thursday, November 27, 2008

Wouldn't you love to be a back-up dancer for...Kermit the Frog?

Oh I would. And then maybe I'd be destined for Broadway, too.

So here's my beef lately.
I've been hearing terrible things and it has, interestingly enough, come into a whole bunch of conversations lately: the rumor that my home-boy is now the VEGGIE monster?! EXCUSE ME?!

So I decided to do a little mythbuster-ing and it was a relief to see this:

Fun Facts About Cookie Monster
Description : Cookie lover

Birthday : November 2
Fur Color : Blue
Likes : Eating crunchy fruits, vegetables, and, of course, cookies!
Favorite Food : Cookies, cookies, and more cookies

So: The title remains true. However - likes eating crunchy fruits and vegetables? I'm sorry, when's the last time you knew a cookie-obsessed child who willingly listed "eating crunchy fruits and vegetables" as a "like." I'm just sayin...

And so the myth is busted - kind of. He's still the cookie monster of my childhood, though i don't really agree with his shift in nutritional ethics. Ho hum.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

just tell them to plan to be surprised

and it's on nights like tonight that you just felt like you were going to explode but then everything came together.

and my mom. Heaven bless her, my MOM! Why am i so daft?! Why didn't i think of asking her before?!?! And how have i not realized that God's most consistent portal of communication so far has been through this brave, beautiful woman in my life. I love her and i am so grateful for her wisdom, which she will never admit exists :) Because yes, Virginia, it's possible! You CAN do something with your life that makes room for everything - yes, everything - that makes you truly happy. Take the leap! Check out all the doors because they're ALL open.

and thoughts. Thoughts get put into our head - and they can eat at you for weeks and weeks. They can turn you inside out and set you reeling till nothing can express but what is medically diagnosed as "brain salad" or tears. Or both. And being mildly embarrassed at the foreign feeling of those tears, yet liberated at finally being able to express SOMETHING - anything! - without feeling any inhibitions, nervousness or hesitation becomes strangely satisfying. It's satisfying, too, that all the thoughts make sense eventually - like puzzle pieces you have to stare at for a really. long. time. Or maybe it's more like finding Horcruxes - each thought seems pretty lame at first, and exceedingly frustrating, but after you think about it and figure out the riddle, something gets released - something fantastic, and it feels great. Especially once you've got them all. (gotta catch 'em all! Pokemon!!)

and experiences. For some reason - i know that the fact that this very night last year i stayed up till 4 am talking with Matt Wells was important. I know that suffering a little in the music program is what needs to be my present tense. I know that lactose intolerance hit me this last year or two for a purpose. I know that Jocelyn, Jill, Melissa, Lizzy, Rebecca and Lizi were meant to be. There is no doubt in my mind.

and i am insufficient when it comes to words. I may want to be an eloquent writer, i may want to express myself through words, i may hope to somehow communicate perfectly through writing out my thoughts but - that's not for me. Not tonight. Not at this point in my life. And you know what? That's okay with me. Sometimes.

but what about Ray? Why can't we be more like him. He just tries so stinking hard to please everyone and do everything and be where he's needed - and his heart is so big and soft that even the slightest thing will make him cry because he just wants you to be happy and it hurts him SO BAD to think that he may have done something or been something that caused you to be even slightly unhappy for just a moment.

come to think of it, i'm pretty deficient in expressing myself at all. Okay, i can mind my P's and Q's - say "Thank You" and move on but, really - on the inside I feel like I've visited every continent, talked with every human being and that I can and will save the world or that I will some day do something that could maybe save the world. But on the outside? I'm just tired, short and clumsy. I just play my trambone and sit at a computer. What is it that i will do, or maybe am doing, that could ever do anything as big as this feeling i feel?


12:10 am
yeah - pretty uneventful day

sometimes those are really nice

i don't think this was one of those times
i've been feeling very caged..

in what you feel you can do, or how you can express yourself ... ?

in everything
it's the strangest thing
i feel like i am where i shouldn't be but if i were to go somewhere else that that'd be wrong too
i feel like there's something big inside me that i can't get rid of
and it makes me want to sing and laugh and dance and sprint for miles until i can't run any further
but it's so confusing, because i feel like that big, huge, ebullient feeling is meant for something

then is it a positive thing?

i just don't know what
yeah - it's a positive feeling, but it's having negative repercussions because i don't know where or how to focus it - if that makes any sense.

sure thing
like something big is coming ... and it is exciting and frightening at the same time?

see this is just it
i've just got this anticipation for something wonderful - to DO something wonderful i just have NO IDEA what it's all about!!
is it something going to happen to me? or will i do it? or is it just an excitable state for the sake of being excitable?

good questions. I wish that I could answer them for myself right now too
I don't know if I am experiencing something huge or if I just want to experience something huge and therefore am making it happen ... rather than letting it happen

right right
and you wonder if you're doing what you should be doing - or should you be acting on this feeling, and start doing something you're not!! But what IS it?! And - if you're not supposed to be doing something then maybe it's all just fabricated

that is my worry, yes

mine, too


I like that Dan ends up with Marie in the end but it still sucks for basically the whole movie. He deserves her after all that though. And maybe they can visit a country together where they don't know the language - you know, her perfect day. I think that's a lot like my perfect day, anyway. What a great movie, though. Never get's old!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

if i could

i would write a discourse about how my life parallels to "Across the Universe." I would send it to Julie Taymor. I would also send a plate of cookies and a thank you note, with perhaps a hand-crafted centerpiece of some sort.

Unfortunately that would take hours, and i dare not begin to indulge in the analyzing of such a juxtaposition because it would never end, and never be complete and thus - i shall die.

But lyrics? Yeah, they're pretty powerful.

all you need is love; for the wisdom

let it be (my personal favorite :) ); for the soul

blackbird; for the hope

strawberry fields; for the honesty (start at 2:00)

hey jude; for the attitude

Friday, November 21, 2008

i changed it because i changed my mind.

ive wanted to post for days, but i'm dry and drained, So here's my feeble attempt.

to post is to express
to express is to be vulnerable
to be vulnerable is to become exposed
to become exposed is to be defenseless
to be defenseless is to let your guard down
to let your guard down is to let someone in
to let someone in is to be bold
to be bold is to try to be courageous
to try to be courageous is to have audacity
to have audacity is to be honest
to be honest is to risk
to risk is to live
to live is to see
to see is to rejoice
to rejoice is to laugh
to laugh is to sing
to sing is to reflect
to reflect is to think
to think is to become illuminated
to become illuminated is to understand
to understand is to have expectations
to have expectations is to be disappointed
to be disappointed is to realize
to realize is to feel
to feel is to hurt
to hurt is to heal
to heal is to become stronger
to become stronger is to have experience
to have experience is to gain wisdom
to gain wisdom is to learn the right words to say

and having the right words? well, we all wish for that sometimes, now don't we?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

my own personal post-it note

I love my roommate Jocelyn. We occasionally have the most invigorating discussions, and I love them. Just last night we were talking about the miracle of the fear of death. But she and I don't fear death, we concluded. We decided that instead God instilled in us a love of life. And that's our reason for going on.

So i looked at a blog i wrote once on a time about our expiration dates and why i hope mine isn't for a while. The reasons were these:

1. It's life. Who doesn't love it with all its ups and downs. It's like a fun lil' roller coaster. The ups are a relief and the downs are just thrilling!
2. Got talent? So much God-given potential. Why waste yours when you can change the world!?
3. All you need is Love! It feels SO good! Friends, family, pets - what have you, they love you!! They may not LIKE you but that's a different story...
4. For the Beauty of the Earth. I love flowers, sun, canyons, mountains, rolling hills, wind, water, trees and green and all the earth has to give.
5. Color my world! Color is just too beautiful and fun, really. There's a rumor that everyone in heaven wears white. They say that a lot up there is white. Ew. I'm not ready for white.

Ah, how we so easily forget!

And as tears surround my every move, burdens are made heavy, and as the sun goes down earlier and earlier, we forget the smiles that follow, the relief of a lighter weight, and the beauty of the night-time sky.

He said:
The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it. (J.M. Barrie)

I hope to keep tabs on my diary. I think i'd like it to stay true to what i maybe intended it to be before i came here. I'm sure what i wanted was not despondency and/or miscellaneous distress.
Not to say that we should never feel these emotions - acknowledge them, yes, but dwell in them, noooooo thank you!

All is well that ends well? No.
All is well that is.
For, i am not young enough to know everything.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

my mouth ain't hungry, my chest is empty

i ate a bagel.

turns out, the Einstein brother's bagels' website is a purdy darn rad Flash website.

Acknowledged; i am a nerd. Hello, little captain.

I miss the days of Bruegger's bagels. I remember they would load me up with SO MUCH cream cheese that I scraped most of it off before eating my bagel. Oops, looks like I still do that. Perhaps it's the Bruegger's experiences that helped induce my phobia of white, creamy substances.

Oh and by the way, their website is lame.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

my mouth is hungry, my chest is empty

I love how disoriented everything feels at 2:45 in the morning. And by love, i really do mean love. I think it's fascinating what seemingly silly, useless feelings and bits of information that would otherwise seem insignificant take their place as the leading-lady of the wee hours of the morning.

My brain? Well, in it is a culmination of songs, movie quotes and clips, and honestly - my life flashing before my eyes. And its at times like this when i most wish i could steal away into the deep confines of the HFAC. Just me, a piano, ...and a hundred other insane musicians...playin my heart out. Because what's in it? Music. Always music. Yet i can never really seem to tap into what is written there, and no matter how many times i try to get it out in just the right way, something about what's inside of me changes or i simply remain malcontent. Isn't that always the way? How glorious will be the day when what we feel all pent up inside can be expressed in just the way we'd like it.

But the lyrics to it all? What is my own, i find elementary. So sad.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

you know that november has come when it's gone

I can't stand it. I have so much to say and yet nothing at all. I don't even know how to attack it! It's amazing to me how so much can happen in such a short amount of time, and so much can be in your head and all means of expression, save prayer alone, seem inadequate and/or dry.

In a meager attempt, I'll try to break it down.

What I have felt in the past two days:

Overwhelming gratitude
I walked. I prayed. I am glad. And the leaves shining in the rain and street lights at night is a sight that can illuminate the poorest soul.

Ebullient joy
I always thought ebullient should be a word that should be appropriate for inanimate objects, like a coffee pot. I guess it's because I never thought that I would reach a point where i was ebullient with something...but now I am. And it is joy, pure joy.

The spirit of Pocahontas
I followed the, sort of. It was spectacular and taught me a lot that I really needed to know. It's great how you can seek one thing and come back with bunches of others.

Hidden Guilt
Am I allowed to do what I do? What I want to do? Is it offensive? It's hardest especially when you know that you're not what you want to be. And that fuzzy line between selfishness and selflessness is a path I fear I tread too often. I hate it.

I want to help. Come to me, please, it's okay! I won't tell secrets and I can give good hugs, I swear! Go ahead, and let your guard down; no walls, locked doors or cages...

Apologetic and responsible
I am so sorry. I do things i don't mean to do. I say things i don't mean to say. And the things I do mean to say that come out the wrong way weren't supposed to come out like that. And it surprises me, just like it surprises you, i promise. I only ever mean to uplift, to gladden and if those goals are not accomplished in full, then my work is most incomplete. And if my avoidance of confrontation has made this all worse for you, then my silence is my worst mistake.
I'm sorry I don't have enough time.
I'm sorry if the needle pinched you.
I'm sorry I can't talk about how I feel.
I'm sorry that you make me nervous.
I'm sorry I don't visit as often as I should.
I'm sorry I forgot.
I'm sorry to admit my weaknesses so bluntly.
I'm sorry for not knowing you better.
I'm sorry for being difficult to understand.
I'm sorry for being neglectful.
I'm sorry if I seem uninterested.
I'm sorry I forgot to smile.
But please, please accept me as human and don't leave. And contrary to One Republic and Timbaland - it is SO not too late to apologize, hey heh, heh heh....

Relentless Restlessness
I think I'm still trying to figure out how to blossom where I'm planted.

I don't need anything, and somehow everything seems right! I'm surrounded by good people and family, enveloped in the fall, learning, growing and celebrating each day!

Pending Excitement
Something's coming. I dunno what. But it's coming and it's gonna be rad.

Apprehensiveness and anxiousness
I don't know why, really. I suppose feelings of inadequacy, and such. Blah blah blah - it's my United States of whatever so...WHATEVA!

At this time of year, there are so many things to look forward to. Current projects, like Christmas Carol, work, and building friendships thrill me! As does the Holiday season - good food, friends, family. Voila - life is perfect!

I know, I know. Get over it, right? Nah - if we don't remember where we've been then we can't know where we're going. I just have to look at the less than respectable moments in a more neutral light, assuming all is dealt with properly. I also am learning to leave pieces of myself in positive places and avoid moments that may make me feel regretful.

Peace and love
And as i sit here at 12:30 Monday morning, eating my leftover Thai food, chasing time all the while and feeling the glorious pressures of living, I can say that I know my Savior lives, and loves me too! The Spirit whispers it to me, and tells me it is true.