Monday, January 14, 2008

Still enjoying the humor

So lately, as i've been trying to find an outlet for my anxiety and a solution to my stress, i've realized a far better alternative to becoming a hermit and hiding away. I just decided to find friends in different places! Away from here. And thus it has happened that on Sunday I visited some friends in a different area of dorms. They have NO idea who the people are i my life, nor do the important people in my life know who they are. Tis a fantastic feeling!
And just today, two of my friends that i've been..well...friendly with over the past semester both suggested that we go on a date! My what can happen in just a week!
Relationships fall apart, relationships mend and new relationships are born all so quickly!
I am content and I know that God loves me.
Yes, all of the experiences - all the lows and all the highs testify that to me.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

...enjoy the humor of the situation?

Today was a "low" day for me.

I woke up late morning, felt like crap, ate some food feeling like crap, went back to sleep till 2, woke up feeling like crap, and went to the music building to practice and do homework (and watch x-men :) ) - but all still feeling like crap.

I feel as though i need to and should lock myself away, never to be seen FOREVER! (and sometimes when adults say "forever" they just mean "a very long time...")

I know that's completely irrational and whatever but i am hurting people and i can't stand it. I was at a huge dance thing tonight (took me a lot to finally decide to go) and i spent a lot of time with a very good dear friend of mine who i haven't spoken with much all week - so we decided to leave and chill and watch the best of Will Ferrell on DVD. Then my roommates came home, not expecting to see us there, and with them was the boy in question from blog #1. I felt kind of bad - because he seemed a little upset by it - but why?! We're not exclusive! It's just insane. I feel so guilty ALL the time. And he happens to be really good friends with my roommate so...she's telling me to talk to him and to not be a jerk and she's even going so far as to compare me to someone who 100% pulled the rug out from under me earlier this year - and by 100% i mean he hasn't really talked to me for two months until just this week. I am not that person. I want to be friends with everyone! Or i just need a of friends..boyfriend who lives far away and doesn't attend BYU who can take me away. Always.

Maybe i should just be in love with my trombone and perhaps something in my life would be accomplished.

Good grief!

Friday, January 11, 2008

Secrets and Bombshells

And again, these famous, overused words: I've been thinking a lot.

Today i feel like I don't handle things well. I would almost dare to use the word "Scared" when talking about social situations.

I wrote a comic once about a friend of mine and I. This friend ran away from me and just disappeared so i drew a coming about the "Friendship gremlin" who went about day-to-day destroying friendships. The friendship gremlin also controlled a series of switches that determined one's disposition.

Right now i feel like the friendship gremlin has switched all my switches to "berserk" and i don't know how to handle myself.

Thus, this is what I have determined:

1. I shall keep secrets
2. I shall record my secrets in a place that is my own
3. I shant put myself out there too much for anyone or anything becuase;
4. When i get emotionally involved, it (whether a situation, or relationship or what have you,) explodes.

I was talking with a friend of mine and i said to this friend, "Friend, i am an atomic bomb!" And this is how i truly feel. What i touch is usually destroyed somehow. Tis a curse. A curse that leaves me feeling guilty, damaging and always asking for forgiveness.

I really am sorry and i don't mean to do it. I just can't stand to waste time or see unhappiness and when those things happen i'm so very easily frustrated.

Secrets secrets are so fun
Secrets are for me!

I'm Officially Addicted.

So, it's twenty after one in the morning, and here i am on Go me

But because i call it my "make-shift journal," right now i would normally open up my journal (had i the real time to do it) and i'd report on what just happened.

I was sitting here, updating my blog page and doing some general customization when all of a sudden i hear this wailing from the room next door. It was that unsettling kind of wail when you're not sure if it's a laugh-wail or a cry-wail. So, in "instant react" mode, i ran next door from Bowen 17;2 to Bowen 17;3 and what did i find? My room-mate weeping and having a pure-bread panic attack. Don't even worry about it - the shivers, the rocking back and forth, the scream-crying and the sweating. Probably seriously scary? Yes. Very. And me - being the medical authority that i am - did i know what to do!? No. Definitely no.

So anyway - long story short we got her calmed down, prayed twice, and i asked her if she wanted a blessing. She asked me to call over two fine young men in my ward to perform such an act, and they were so wonderful. Once even carried her from her crumpled up self in a chair to her bed. What amazing boys.

After they left the 5 remaining room-mates began to softly sing some Church Hymns. It really brought the spirit into the room. I had a serious prayer in my heart for the whole last hour for my roomie to just feel the peace and comfort of Christ - and i really think His spirit was and still is present here. I've really seen the power of the Lord work first hand, and i hope my room-mate feels it too, and acknowledges that it is HIS love and HIS comfort that is making her feel so much better.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

The Beginning

Wow. I finally have a blog. 

I'm pretty sure my sister is going to be so impressed with me now that i've taken the latest step in technology to expose my entire personal life on the most impersonal means of communication. But whatever, that's no big deal.

I just realized over the past few months that i have no time to sit and write like i would LOVE to be doing, in an actual journal. I think the last time i wrote was the day before my 18th birthday. I always like to write the day before my birthday. It's like - the last time i'll ever be whatever age. What is the last thing i have to say in my last few minutes of a certain age?

Come to think of it, birthdays are like a mini-death. When you DIE die, you'll never live again. People always believe dying words to be all profound (like in "Signs" - Tell Graham...tell him to see! And tell Merril....swing away....) but the last words before a birthday are kind of the same thing! You'll NEVER be younger than you that's the point of journals, to record those things you're feeling because you'll never feel them again? I guess living really is just the long way to die.

I'm not morbid! Please don't think me depressed and suicidal. I'm really not. i LOVE life so much. I am so happy and pleased with everything. School is great - i'm in this crazy sweet jazz history class and music makes me feel so alive! I've got the best friends and roommates in the world and my family is awesome.
I just feel as though i'm hanging in mid air. I think of Toy Story, for some reason - probably because i just watched it but  - i feel like "The CLAAAAAWWWW!" I'm just hanging in this cage with all these different options. All of them would be good to choose, but i'm just hanging, and everyone's watching, and i just don't know where to drop the claw. I don't know where to try to land. And i worry that when i do try to land somewhere, i'll just come up empty-handed as many of those "guaranteed win" type of games tend to be.

I think the problem is that i think too much. I just want everyone to be happy. There's a couple friends in-particular that i've been thinking a lot about lately - and i just really want them to be happy and thrilled and successful. 
Haha, my i-tunes, i've always thought can hear my thoughts. It is usually on shuffle and just started to play Keane's "She Has No Time." It is so true - i feel like i have no time but sometimes i just want to yell to some people that they consume my thoughts always.

"You think your days are uneventful - that no one ever thinks about you. 
She goes her own way, she goes her own way.
You think your days are ordinary - that no one ever thinks about you.
But we're all the same, and she can hardly breathe without you.

She says she has no time for you now
She says she has no time.

Well think about the lonely people, or think about the day she found you
Or lie to yourself, and see it all dissolve around you.

She says she has no time for you now, 
She says she has no time.

Lonely people tumble downwards,
And my heart opens up to you when she says

She has no time for you now,
She says she has no time."

Heck - i just made me an entire playlist called "Angst. Angst. Angst." in homage to Harry Potter Puppet Pals.

It is as follows:

"Never Knew" Rocket Summer
"She Has No time" Keane
"Apologize" One Republic/Timbaland
"Crystal Ball" Keane
"Is it any Wonder?" Keane
"Move Along" All American Rejects
"I think Its Going to Rain Today" Norah Jones
"Hamburg Song" Keane
"Yer Motion" Reeve Oliver
"I want to Know Your Plans" Say Anything
"Oh God" Jamie Cullum
"If I Ever Leave This World Alive" Flogging Molly
"Selfless, cold and Composed" Ben Folds Five

It's going to expand, I'm sure.

Anyway - it's just a wonder to me the timing of life. Just a couple months ago i was saying to my roommate that i really wish i had a boy to go to to cuuuuddle with (it's what every girl wants, right?) or to talk to or open up to in a deeper way - ok...a boyfriend - and here i have one thrust into my lap, and i don't want it! Or, i guess, would rather have others. That sounds SO terrible. And hearing, or seeing, myself say that makes me feel like such a loser - but i have to be honest! A few weeks ago when it started to develop i was like "oh, he's cute...i'll have to think about this one?" and then he made a move so i was instantly twitterpated - but then comes break and then comes school again and ...there's just not a connection. Not like i thought there would be. And there's no reason there shouldn't be - he's great! He's the most thoughtful and polite boy i've met at school so far, except maybe one who - there's no interest on either side there anyway so...whatever. He's cute, he's kind, he's talented - there's NO reason not to be head over heels for this person!!
But my retarded brain is showing hesitancy and resistance. I think i'm starting to have pretty strong feelings for someone else - someone close to this other boy. And i know there's nothing there - because he did have interest a couple months ago and i know that's gone - so the ship has sailed and i lose. And i dare not voice this interest to anyone or i'd be digging myself into terribly deep holes. And i am pretty sure that all my sentences start with "And." 

I just want to run away. I want to get away and I don't want to have social stigmas hanging on me, I don't want to have any reputation whatsoever - whether good or bad - and I just want to move to New York City and blend in with the millions of countless, nameless people there. Ok, so honestly i dont' want to blend at all. I really want to make a name for myself - but, who doesn't? So, that is basically the same as saying  - blend in..just like everybody else.

I feel constricted by life right now. It's beautiful, it's wonderful, it's exciting and it's a happy life -but a constricting one. It's like being stuck in a world with rainbows and music and smiles and of course the occasional angst- but it just never changes. It's almost like i'm out of control of what happens. I can't control my feelings for someone, and if i do "control them" it's not really being honest, then, is it - to have to really "try to make it work"- ??

I just don't want to hurt anyone! It's almost like it's not enough to be honest. It's not enough to just be myself. No matter what I do, there will be a result and the result will always be good for someone and bad for someone or something else - and then i'm left no where. But it's not enough to ignore things either - so, thus, i want to get away! I just want to leave - start new.

Why is it that i don't want the things that i know will never, never, let me down?