Sunday, December 28, 2008


For those of you who don't know me, my name is Lizzy Dabczynski and I'm obsessive about all things Peter Pan, and I think it's very important to visit Neverland on a regular basis. Some people aren't quite sure how to take that.
The thing is, Neverland is very, very real.

There are two types of Neverlands, you see.1. Physical Neverlands are personal and different for everyone. They are places you've visited that hold serious sentimental value. They are places where whenever you visit or have visited you sit there, look, see, smell and suddenly your mind, your heart, your spirit are all in the same place. Everything feels at peace and though there may be discontent people, wars and economic crisis elsewhere - it's not in your Neverland. No, not where you are. Because you're in your special place! You're in Neverland. You're standing in the bottom of the Grand Canyon. You're at Westminster Abbey. You're in a canoe, on a lake in Waterford, Maine. You're sitting by a fire in your house at Christmastime. You're in a forest in Michigan.

2. Mental Neverlands are also personal and different for everyone. There are two branches of the mental neverlands, and the thing about them is that people will try to tell you they're "imaginary" but that's a deceiving, candle-snuffing lie. They're very, very real inside your mind.
The first borders on imaginary, in that you must create it, and change it as your life changes - but it still exists, therefore it isn't imaginary. It is your place of daydream. It is the place in your mind where you are Elizabeth Bennett, and yes, you do fight Pirates, thank you very much. It's the place where you can go skiing through lush gardens or go cliff-jumping off a giant Shortbread cookie. It's where you can think clearly, breathe, feel and know lots of things about yourself and the world around you that you wouldn't have realized had you not visited.
The other mental Neverland, which I think is the far most important type, is the way you live your life. Neverland is conceptual. You decide: will you think happy thoughts today? Will you try to hold on to a child-like state of innocence? Or will you be a greedy, old pirate? It's deciding to believe in fairys - that is to say, believing in those small things that often go overlooked. I think fairys are very real. Not only are they beautiful little creatures that fly around us when we're not looking, they're concepts - they're hope, optimism, charity, love, and general goodness. To believe in fairys is to have faith in people and their potential. Your living Neverland IS those days when you wake up happy, knowing that it will be a good day. Then it is a good day. And you got to sleep with a smile on your face.
That is Neverland.
Welcome, and please, please - come again.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Happy Christmas!

At Christmas time I find myself feeling all those Christmas-associated feelings. The influence of Christ and Christian cheer runs rampant now more than any other time of year. It gladdens my heart and makes my spirit sing.

However, I get caught up with the concept of giving. One of my favorite books growing up was called "The Giver." That has nothing to do with this blog. Anyway - I find that I'm inhibited. I don't have the money to buy the things I would love to give people, and I find that I'm incapable of giving to others (to the fullest extent) the pieces of myself that I would like to give.

But I've been told it's the thought that counts. Too bad I don't entirely believe that.

However, in a feeble attempt to redeem myself and the lack of giving that I feel has taken place, I will tell you what I would give you if i could:
(you being the few who will actually read this blog. I hope you can easily identify yourselves.)

To my sister:
You have served my my whole life through your actions and example. I've learned more from you than from anyone else, i think. I am so grateful to you, and as we have become better friends, I would wish only to give you my undying support and love. I would give you everything that is mine to give.

To Marmee and Derd:
You gave me my life and all my strongest senses of right and wrong, and common sense. You have lead me, and guided me along my whole life - forgiving everything wrong and understanding everything in between. In return, I hope to relieve you with laughs, comfort you with care and understanding, and keep you involved with all the time i have to give, and honest communication in everything.

To Cinderella:
You have given me instantaneous friendship, respect and kindheartedness. I have been overwhelmed, a bit, and surprised by the outpouring, but I really appreciate it so greatly. In return, I give you my fullest degree of gratitude and mutual friendliness, and my hope to cultivate this unexpected, rapid bond.

To Henry:
You have opened my mind, my heart and my eyes in countless ways. I am fascinated by who you are, who you have been, and who you want to be, and learn such new, interesting and engrossing aspects about myself and life because of it. I love who you make me want to be and hope that through my spasmodic and odd fits of life you can know that I hope to give back to you what you have given me. And know that if I could I would give you more time for you to see, listen and learn. But since that's not mine to give, all i can offer is my dearest friendship, highest respect, and a safe space you can fall back on.

To Anemone:
You have been so consistent, and such a thoughtful influence in my life this semester. Such fast friendships, and good bonds are seldom so easily developed. I am grateful for your thoughts, and the ways you choose to express them, because I learn so much. If I could give you anything, I would give you all the success you would ever hope for in any area of your life. I want to see you on top of the world some day, and I will give you anything I can to help you get there.

To my Angel friend:
You have given me more sweetness and compassion than anyone else these past few months. Your light seems to penetrate any darkness and your strength can overcome any obstacle, whether it be yours or not. A gift I would give you is a full heart, and an eternal smile. I would blow up all the cigarette companies in the world, and I would block the dark places in your mind with mirrors to reflect your beautiful spirit. I love you, and hope that shows through every day and shame on me if it doesn't.

At any rate - when angels sing, stars shine and faces smile - I can sing, shine and smile with them. And even though there is a tender regret within my heart, a feeling of inadequacy, a feeling that I should have done more, that i should have put out more, that i should have tried harder to give - I find comfort because it is upon this day that we celebrate Christ's birth, and I know that he CAN give those things that I cannot. He already has given us those things in many cases; the tools and talents to succeed, His support, love, respect, guidance, time and His life.

Merry Christmas, my Friends. I love you and I thank you.

God bless us, Every. One.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

i read it again

listen to your heart:

We form our own lives, we create our own reality, everything works out for the best. I know i drive some people crazy with what seems to be ridiculous optimism, but it has always worked out for me.

Listening is the first step and the last step.

A few individuals touch our hearts, minds and lives with their vision. It's not so much that these special people march to a different drummer, but that they carry their own orchestras around with them in their heads. And when we allow them to play their tunes, the sound reverberates for generations. they make us thin and they make us laugh.

Simple is good

Inspire individuals to be more creative, daring, outrageous and successful without raising your voice.

Show other people how to be by who you are

As we work our way through being human, hopefully we can come out a bit wiser and better for having gone through it all.

Music expresses gentleness and the vulnerability hidden in our hearts.

We see with our eyes. We know with our hearts.

Go and find your songs.

dynamite determination:

If you learn too much of what others have done, you may tend to take the same direction as everybody else.

There are no rules...and those are the rules.

Kermit is the eye in the middle of the hurricane. He's alway's in control. Sometimes just barely. But the interesting thing about it, of course, is that he created the hurricane.

If you care about what you do and work hard at it, there isn't anything you can't do if you want to.

Chase the future, face the great unknown.

together we'll nab it:

Yeah, well i've got a dream too. But it's about singing and dancing and making people happy. That's the kind of dream that gets better the more people you share it with.

There is a sense of our characters caring for each other and having respect for each other. A positive feeling. A positive veiw of life. That's a key to everything we do. I believe that everything we do should have part of that. Sometimes we're too heavy in terms of ourselves and trying to carry an idea, and telling kids what life is about. I often have to tell myself that too.

Whenever characters become self-important or sentimental in the Muppets, then there's always another character there to blow them up immediately.

You are where you are because that's where you need to be.

it starts when we're kids:

When i was young, my ambition was to be one of the people who made a difference in this world. My hope still is to leave the wolrd a little bit better for my having been there. It's a wonderful life and I love it.

I've lived my whole life through my imagination. But the world of imagination is there for all of us - a sense of play, of pretending, of wonder. It's there with us as we live.

Children don't remember what you try to teach them. They remember what you are.

Always be yourself.
Never take yourself too seriously.
And beware of advice from experts, pigs and members of Parliament.

All of a sudden you realize that you are the person who has control of your life.

The most sophisticated people i know - inside they're all children.

No time is wasted time.

There are never enough comfort stops. The places you're going are never on the map and once you gt that map out, you won't be able to refold it no matter how smart you are. So forget the map, roll down the windows, and whenever you can, pull over and have a picnic with a pig. And if you can help it, never fly as cargo.

Life is meant to be fun, and joyous and fulfilling. It's a good life. Enjoy it.

A Part of Everything and Everyone:

I find that it's very important for me to stop every now and then and get recharged and reinspired. The beauty of nature has been one of the great inspirations in my life...The wonderful color schemes of nature that always work harmoniously are particularly dazzling to me. I love to lie in an open field looking up at the sky...

Show me more.

Just looking at the incredible movement of a lizard or a bird or even the smallest insect can be a very humbling experience.

Life is basically good. People are basically good.

There are always these fences we build around ourselves and our ideas. Jim seemed to have no fences.

Concentrate on situations that my energy can affect.

He left this world a happier place because he was here, and i think that's about the finest thing a person can do with his life.

Things don't disappear. They just change, and change, and change again.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008


I was on the postsecret blog. I think it's genius. I think it's quite possibly one of the most brilliant concepts i've ever heard of. Everyone has secrets and everyone has things they want nothing more than to just say. I'm fascinated by it, and I wish that it were my idea, so that i could have access to thousands of secrets - i think i'd better understand the human race that way.

Why don't we tell them?

Are we afraid? What are we afraid of?
Are we nervous?
Scared? But of WHAT?!

Why don't we say what we feel?

If i were to send a postcard to postsecret I think it would be this:

I do tell my secrets to the people that I'd love to know them - but I do it so trickily and inaudibly that they'd never really hear me. But i feel better having said it around them, anyway.


Sunday, December 21, 2008


There is a cube floating in the desert. It is at such an angle where it almost appears as a diamond - but it's still just a cube. It's orange. And fuzzy - almost like it's covered in peach skin. It's tough, but the skin doesn't distract from the prominent, sharp edges of the cube. It's spinning in the air, hovering a few feet off the ground. There's a current of air coming from the bottom of the cube and it's spreading the sand around the bottom of the cube into a circle. At the edge of the circle there's a marble barrier - almost a bowl, containing the cube. And all around the whole thing, meeting the top edge of the marble barrier is a clear force-field. It's a protection of some sort - electric, maybe? But clear, and obvious.

There is a ladder. It's laying flat on the ground in the sand. It's leading up to the cube. It's not made of metal or plastic or wood. Maybe it's stone? Well, it's shiny at any rate. And though it appears to just be a pathway - covered with sand in places - it's still very much it's own entity. The edges of the ladder are not sharp at all.

There is a horse. It is pretty far from everything else. It's got it's eye on the cube and the ladder but it's doing it's own thing-drinking water, eating, walking around. It's got a rope tied around it's neck, leading to somewhere, though I cant tell where the end of the rope is. But, it's a white-ish horse with gray and brown spots and flecks that blend together more around it's back legs/bum area. It's a really stubborn horse, but very, very lovable. It's everyone's favorite horse to ride. It knows it will come to the cube and ladder eventually, but will at it's own pace. Occasionally it turns its head around to look at the cube and ladder - and should something be different about the cube and ladder it would respond immediately, but as long as the cube and ladder stay put, so does the horse.

What do YOU see when you think of a cube, ladder, and horse all alone and randomized in the desert?

Saturday, December 20, 2008

my hands are shaking

well, here are some possible options, i suppose:

that moment when your whole body is filled with butterflies so much that you feel like you should lift right off the ground but can't.

and maybe also because it's 51 degrees in my bedroom

Wednesday, December 17, 2008



Tuesday, December 16, 2008

thin slicing

I'm reading a book that I love.

It's Brilliant.

In it, I've read about the concept of "thin slicing." A concept so profound and so true that until it's pointed out to you, you'd hardly realize that you do it all day every day! Thin slicing refers to the fact that when we are faced with new things, new situations, new people, and sometimes even old situations - we deduce almost immediately how to feel about it, and how to react. I love it.

Based upon the smallest and almost imperceptible things we can realize so much.

An aspect of thin slicing that I've become painfully aware of recently is the fact that the WAY you "thin slice" someone or something can often depend on external influences and factors. It's the concept that you're more likely to do well on a test when you shift your mind into a more professorial mindset, rather than the "unprepared, ignorant student" mindset. Nothing changes about your knowledge or preparedness - only your mindset. One aspect i find exceedingly interesting (and often quite obvious) is that when you surround yourself with positive influences, you're more likely to associate positivity with the world around you.

Here's a test straight from the book:

"We make connections much more quickly between pairs of ideas that are already related in our minds than we do between pairs of ideas that are unfamiliar to us. What does that mean? Let me give you an example. Below is a list of words. Tap your finger in the approrpiate column to assign each name to the category to which it belongs. Do it as quickly as you can. Don't skip over words and don't worry if you make any mistakes.

Male ------------------- Female

That was easy, right?....That was a warm up. Now let's complete an actual IAT [test]. It works like the warm-up except now I'm going to mix two entirely separate categories together. Once again, put a check mark to either the right or the left of each word in the category to which it belongs.

Male or Career-----------------Female or Family

"My guess is that most of you found that a little harder, but that you were still pretty fastat putting the words into the right categories. Now try this:

Male or Family------------------Female or Career

Did you notice the difference? This test was quite a bit harder than the one before it, wasn't it? IF you are like most people, you took a little longer...That's because most of us have much stronger mental associations between maleness and career-oriented concepts than we do between femaleness and ideas related to careers."
(If you click this link,Harvard Research, then you, too can be a part of Harvard's research regarding this theory!)

Interesting, right?

Today - i looked around my room, listening to Glen Hansard, the Beatles, jazz and other such happies, I saw 3 books on my desk next to my joy journal; "Blink," "Peter Pan," and "C.S. Lewis on Joy." I saw a painting of Brian Andreas that says "Feels like some kind of ride but it's turning out just to be life going absolutely perfectly." I saw a Beatles poster, a picture of my grandfather, my sister, my friends, and Jesus. And as i remember where I've been and who I've left pieces of myself with, I feel content.

I think I'm attracted to positivity. I think we all are- but sometimes feel guilty about it. But because of that, I almost want more of it - to be freakishly optimistic is, admittedly, a strange goal I have in sight.
And so,
I can only hope that these external factors really do help my perspective. I think that sometimes I feel them in the things i do and the ways i react. And that - well, that makes me happy.
And happiness is certainly a step in the right direction, after all.

Monday, December 15, 2008

i think:



















thank. you.





thank you













Thank You









Saturday, December 13, 2008

somewhere out there

It's late again.
So obviously, i'm blogging.

What am i thinking about? Oh nothing too serious, really.

I'm just thinking about the fact that there's a meteor shower happening tonight. I can't see it, nor did I see any of it today. The sky was too cloudy and gray. But I feel like I saw it. The fact that it's happening - that little pieces of the universe are falling all around and above the planet is oddly satiating to the soul. I can picture what it would be like in my mind, and that's almost even more exciting! Reality plus a little imagination is something glorious, indeed! But as for the actual meteor shower? Well, someone's watching it somewhere out there. And I'm sure it's convincing someone that there is a God.

But I'm lucky enough to know that. So maybe I didn't need to see the meteors.

Personally, I'm just fine with the stars, thanks! Sometimes i feel bad for them, though. They always shine, they always show up, yet they're always neglected! People really only feel like looking at the stars when they feel lost in the world, when they're trying to have a moment with a significant other, or when there's something "cool" too see like a meteor shower. I think constellations are pretty neat just by themselves! And how sad when people feel disappointed when there are only a couple visible stars in the sky!! First off - ten points to those few stars! Way to shine!! But let's cut the other ones some slack, shall we? It's not like they've just decided not to show up. They're there - somewhere out there. But for whatever reason, the sky is covering them from our view.

And it's comforting - that the other ones are still shining some place in the sky. Let's just hope that someone's looking.

Oh and by the way? This is how i feel:

Friday, December 12, 2008

if the world were awake...

According to Jack Johnson the world IS awake.
(for somebody's sake now, please close your eyes, woman,
please get some sleep -
and you know that if i knew all of the answers
i would not hold them from you-
you'd know all of the things that i know -
cuz we told each other there is no other way! ooh oooooh ooo!)

But what i wonder is what if the world really WERE awake like me, posting blogs at ungodly hours of the morning. Hmm?!

I ask myself why i'm still awake. It's because people start to chat/talk to/text me at strange times of night. I guess people just open up a little more when their brains are running on exhausted reserves of adrenaline. Obviously, i am not exempt from that category (she said as she poured her soul into a blog.)
It's really true though! Walls become a little lower, the hinges of the doors are loosened, the bars of the cage widened and defenses put to rest. I quite like it, actually, it makes me feel more comfortable. Perhaps that's why i like to stay up late! Perhaps I find it comforting to know that all people can and do feel vulnerable. I guess it just sometimes takes a few extra hours of living.

So here's my conclusion:
Political and governmental negotiations of any sort - treaties, UN agreements, etc. etc. should all be made and discussed after midnight. And maybe, just maybe those terrorists would come out of the woodwork, and Osama would admit that all his angst is really just a pent up grudge against Aneesh, when she ran off with Yasuf back in high school and that he'd be willing to stop all the attacks if only they could talk it out over a nice steaming bowl of smoking bishop, (Bob Cratchit!!) and maybe a chocolate chip cookie, too.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

what a beautiful mess

jason mraz is most eloquent. he is the master of word play, indeed.

but i shant post all those creepily accurate lyrics now.

As for today - well, it was a wonderful day!

I almost cried.
Not in the sad way, but in the "Wow" kind of way.
I looked at the trees coming home.
I love walking home but lately i've forgotten that i love it.
Today i remembered.
I looked at the trees, leaf-less and bare, and BEAUTIFUL. The twigs off the branches make the most beautiful patters in the sky.
Next time you have a minute, stop under a bare tree and just look at the lines. The texture is stunning.

I had a good time!
It was so refreshing to spend time with my roommates.
I love laughing but lately i've forgotten that i love it.
Today i remembered.
And we acted silly, joked with each other and suddenly those big, heavy, deep things that people get all in the gutter about all the time didn't seem so grave and melancholy.
Next time you have a minute, find the humor of the situation! It feels great.

I prayed.
Not in any different or more serious way, but just in a factual way.
I love the way i feel when i have a consistent pattern of worship and recognition in my life but lately i've neglected, and have forgotten to maintain it.
Today i remembered.
And I asked to be myself. I figure it's a righteous desire - to beeehehehee yourself. So sad to have not felt like it for the last little while.
Next time you have a minute, ask God for something that he wants for you, too. I'm sure He'll pass it right along :)

And in the cut & pasted words of Jason Mraz,

Things are going to happen naturally.
So i'm taking your advice and looking on the bright side and balancing the whole thing.
I won't worry my life away.
I'd do anything spontaneously.
There's no need to complicate.
Our time is short.

Life is wonderful.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

yield: do you qualify?

It's 1:41 am. I want to go to sleep.


–verb (used with object)

1. to give forth or produce by a natural process or in return for cultivation
2. to produce or furnish (payment, profit, or interest)
3. to give up, as to superior power or authority
4. to give up or surrender (oneself)
5. to give up or over; relinquish or resign
6. to give as due or required
7. to cause; give rise to

–verb (used without object)

8. to give a return, as for labor expended; produce; bear.
9. to surrender or submit, as to superior power
10. to give way to influence, entreaty, argument, or the like
11. to give place or precedence (usually fol. by to): to yield to another
12. to give way to force, pressure, etc., so as to move, bend, collapse, or the like.

....yeahp! guess i'm a yielder.

how about you?

Sunday, December 7, 2008

the best definition of good intentions

Another blog!
(reminds me of "Another Openin' Another show!! la da da da da and Baltimo'!")

Another moment to try to organize this beautiful disaster floating around in my head.

Or not :)

First, I'll start with a story:

Once upon a time there was a girl and it was me. She woke up smiling and went to church. And she went with a softer, more malleable spirit than was usual on other Sundays, and surprise, surprise, it did her a lot of good. She sat thru her classes, hearing themes of forgiveness, the light of Christ, etc. etc. and she felt her burdens were already lighter. Words of wisdom passed thru her head "cast your burdens upon the Lord, for his yolk is light compared to the world in which you live." She smiled and again felt inspired. During sacrament meeting, she sat next to a friend with whom she couldn't help but be glad and again, more inspiration "declare your testimony of the gospel. In doing so you will find peace, joy and happiness." "Well," she thought, "who wouldn't want peace, joy and happiness!!" So she considered approaching the stand to publicly declare her knowledge to the congregation and to God. However due to her membership of a BYU single's ward, the task of approaching the pulpit on fast-and-testimony Sunday (an experience much like rushing the crowd of middle-aged women and angsty-teenage boys at a Rolling Stones concert, I'm sure) seemed a bit daunting. So she didn't speak at the pulpit. Had she the courage to have done so it would have gone a little something like this:
"Hello!" She adjusts the mic. It pops. "Oof!'s...uh...ahem!!...sorry about that!" She clears her throat. "Well, I felt I should make my way up here today to express my testimony as an act of gratitude to my God. These past few weeks have been difficult for me, as I know they've been for many others, and had I not had the support of a loving, all-knowing Father in Heaven I have absolutely now idea how I would have handled it all. In the darkest of times, the knowledge of the truthfulness of the gospel and all it entails is what can bring perspective, and prevent further damage and alienation. I know it is true and I can see it everywhere and in everything. And there is nothing I find more refreshing than to find another metaphor, another analogy or another situation that parallels a principle of the gospel. I know that God gives us these reminders to help strengthen us along the way, on a daily basis, and-" she considers using an "i spy" or "where's waldo" analogy, but relinquishes due to the "inappropriate" context of such a comment ('but i once said "rock on" at the pulpit?!' -yes, and people remember you for that, not the rest of what you said, now don't they- 'true.') "and it's interesting to me to look for them every day, almost like a puzzle! And it makes me glad, and strengthens my testimony. Just the other day something crossed my path that made me understand the atonement just a little bit more. It had nothing to do with my New Testament class, but everything to do with Charles Dickens. And yesterday I realized," she paused, considering carefully her options (jamming out, boogying down, dancing) "listening to Mannheim Steamroller Christmas music that i cannot wait to spend time getting to know my sister, dad and mom for the rest of eternity. And it is thru these daily experiences, more than almost anything else, that I know God loves me. And because God loves me, it is no wonder His gospel is true. It is no wonder that He has sent prophets, apostles and living angels to this earth to see us through. It is no wonder He restored this knowledge to the earth. It is no wonder, and there is no doubt in my mind of its truthfulness. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

But as we know, she didn't get to the pulpit.
In fact, she never left her seat.
Oh well! Maybe next time.
After church, this girl went to ward choir practice. They sounded so lovely, watched her direct intently and were so gentle in the way they sang "silent night" that again, the girl was touched. Afterward, she had the opportunity to smile more with the love and friendliness of those around her who sought out her company. What a Godly thing to do - to seek someone out like that. Then she went home, to be greeted by roommates. They took family pictures, and they really did feel like a family again. She loved it when she and the other 5 girls felt like a family. What a glorious feeling! To be so close as to feel like really, blood-related sisters. It is in those moments when we can really understand the sisterhood of the women on this earth, and the brotherhood of all people across all time! We are all God's children.

Persuasion came next (after a quick visiting teaching appointment) and her heart flew a little. Jane Austen novels, attractive English men, fine acting and film all in British dialect can do one's heart so much good. Not to mention all of it taking place in a room with a squealing, giddy and gleeful couple of girls! It's a movie that can really make you think - and for this girl? Well, she thought. The story deals a lot with firmness of character, determination, forgiveness, understanding, and communication. She asked herself "Hmm...'twere it me - would I be easily persuaded? If I found something so good for me, would I be easily talked out of it or talked out of it at all?!" Not too long after she realized she wouldn't be. What's right is right, what's wrong is wrong, and anything that's more vague than that should just be ignored, right? :)
Too bad life's a little more complicated than that.

Yadda yadda yadda, the girl wound up at her house, with her family, a friend, and a beautiful angel. They ate, they laughed, and nothing - no, nothing - could have been more revitalizing for a tired countenance. (But, some Razzleberry dressing would be nice!!) The irony of things done, the humor of things said, and the twinkling Christmas decor was a fine addition to an already fine day.

Returning to her apartment, the girl ran off to visit teach Marie Bond. What is it about people that can see right beyond such wonderful people like Marie? There is no other girl as centered, as cheerful, as driven, and as entirely admirable as Marie Bond (or, at least not that was known to our story.) Moving on with her day, the girl stopped by a friend's house to give a gift of St. Andrews. It feels neat to be able to do neat things.

And then came some evening hymn singing. "Contrary to public opinion," the girl thought, "it's really some singing on a Sunday evening that helps the medicine go down! ...Or something..."

But what was truly miraculous happened upon REALLY returning back to the apartment. Waiting for her, gently bobbing on the waves as they lapped onto the shore (and by that I really mean "sitting on her kitchen table") was a message in a bottle. The girl was truly tickled. A message in a bottle?! Who's really received a genuine, personalized message in a bottle?! (Cue Sting: Message in a boooottleeeee...dun nuh nuh nuhhh nnuhhh nuhhhh!) Again, she smiled and opened it, smiled some more and continued on her merry way, smiling, and keeping company with herself and with others, until the evening came.

And it was then when she found true closure; when she got to hug her beautiful angel friend, help her into bed, tuck her in and kiss her head goodnight. Somehow, some way - the girl was remeinded that in her life there was, truly, So Much to look forward to.

Now "I'm in need of some serious repose."

But I think if I were to add some things to my list of happies in my joy journal they would be this:
1. New mascara
2. Happy people
3. Making Christmas (la la la!)
4. Revelation
5. Finding things in common with new friends
6. Being an instrument
7. Feeling hopeful so much that all you can do is laugh!
8. The moment when you realize you left makeup marks on a boy's white collard shirt after a hug. Oops!
9. Stuffed animals
10. The smell of pine
11. Knowing there's someone IN love with someone that you love a lot :)
(but....that's a secret that no one knows!)

Friday, December 5, 2008

i feel

Have you ever thought about that moment at the end of the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie where Captain Barbossa gets shot? He says "I feel...cold." (If i remember correctly.) I was always impressed with Geoffrey Rush and how beautifully he conveyed that moment. For a long time this man has felt no feeling - no pain, no joy, no physical, or emotional anything so it would seem. Then finally, though a scary feeling, and rather unique moment - the last moment before death - he feels. And that look on his face, and that apple that falls and rolls away is so very, very special, I think.

And that's a lot like me sometimes: willingly making the choice not to feel for a while - or only to selectively feel. Sometimes I think it's a subconscious defense mechanism. Your body - emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically- is communicating with itself and if something is going out of wack the others will do what they can to keep everything else stable, right? And so, I think, everything can take it's turn going numb.

Until you stop. Until you stop and decide to think about everything. It's easy to be numb when you don't have the time to really feel.

And, quite a bit like Barbossa's death, they may not be the most desirable feelings in the world, but they're awfully refreshing because they're SOMETHING.

Needless to say, happiness is a feeling. It sure is something. And for me, I'm lucky to say, it's a pretty consistent something. I remember writing a little ditty of a song that went something like this:

"I wake up late, the sun shines gold
I don't know much, i don't know much
I wake up and wait for life to unfold
I don't know much, I don't know much"

And that still holds true. Life happens, and I react. I can also make life happen, but continue to react. Nevertheless, we can't help the ups and downs which are, actually, pretty inevitable. I KNOW! Shocking, RIGHT?!

It amazes me, still, that happiness can still sparkle thru even the toughest times. It just goes to show what a powerful, overwhelming emotion joy can truly be. And how overwhelming is it to be able to say on days where things, well, implode: I'm happy.
No wonder it's such a big deal that man is that he might have it.

So, strangely content I remain. Content in my instability. Content in my occasional numbness. Content in my hopefulness and content in my helplessness. Content in my pain. Content in my comfort. Content in trial. Content in victory. Content in my responsibilities. Content in obscurity. Content in clarity. Content in the out of control way of things. But mostly content in the guidance and goodness of God, and thus content in the capacity to always have reason to rejoice.