Friday, December 5, 2008

i feel

Have you ever thought about that moment at the end of the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie where Captain Barbossa gets shot? He says "I feel...cold." (If i remember correctly.) I was always impressed with Geoffrey Rush and how beautifully he conveyed that moment. For a long time this man has felt no feeling - no pain, no joy, no physical, or emotional anything so it would seem. Then finally, though a scary feeling, and rather unique moment - the last moment before death - he feels. And that look on his face, and that apple that falls and rolls away is so very, very special, I think.

And that's a lot like me sometimes: willingly making the choice not to feel for a while - or only to selectively feel. Sometimes I think it's a subconscious defense mechanism. Your body - emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically- is communicating with itself and if something is going out of wack the others will do what they can to keep everything else stable, right? And so, I think, everything can take it's turn going numb.

Until you stop. Until you stop and decide to think about everything. It's easy to be numb when you don't have the time to really feel.

And, quite a bit like Barbossa's death, they may not be the most desirable feelings in the world, but they're awfully refreshing because they're SOMETHING.

Needless to say, happiness is a feeling. It sure is something. And for me, I'm lucky to say, it's a pretty consistent something. I remember writing a little ditty of a song that went something like this:

"I wake up late, the sun shines gold
I don't know much, i don't know much
I wake up and wait for life to unfold
I don't know much, I don't know much"

And that still holds true. Life happens, and I react. I can also make life happen, but continue to react. Nevertheless, we can't help the ups and downs which are, actually, pretty inevitable. I KNOW! Shocking, RIGHT?!

It amazes me, still, that happiness can still sparkle thru even the toughest times. It just goes to show what a powerful, overwhelming emotion joy can truly be. And how overwhelming is it to be able to say on days where things, well, implode: I'm happy.
No wonder it's such a big deal that man is that he might have it.

So, strangely content I remain. Content in my instability. Content in my occasional numbness. Content in my hopefulness and content in my helplessness. Content in my pain. Content in my comfort. Content in trial. Content in victory. Content in my responsibilities. Content in obscurity. Content in clarity. Content in the out of control way of things. But mostly content in the guidance and goodness of God, and thus content in the capacity to always have reason to rejoice.


  1. I love it! I know what you mean! I went through two months where I just didn't really let myself feel anymore, I couldn't let myself feel the pain. And then I gave in, and it felt nice just to feel again, even if it was pain. I love you.

  2. i love when you post because i know i'm going to get a renewed feeling of life whenever i read this blizzog. :) Thank you. :)