I'm pretty sure my sister is going to be so impressed with me now that i've taken the latest step in technology to expose my entire personal life on the most impersonal means of communication. But whatever, that's no big deal.
I just realized over the past few months that i have no time to sit and write like i would LOVE to be doing, in an actual journal. I think the last time i wrote was the day before my 18th birthday. I always like to write the day before my birthday. It's like - the last time i'll ever be whatever age. What is the last thing i have to say in my last few minutes of a certain age?
Come to think of it, birthdays are like a mini-death. When you DIE die, you'll never live again. People always believe dying words to be all profound (like in "Signs" - Tell Graham...tell him to see! And tell Merril....swing away....) but the last words before a birthday are kind of the same thing! You'll NEVER be younger than you are...so...maybe that's the point of journals, to record those things you're feeling because you'll never feel them again? I guess living really is just the long way to die.
I'm not morbid! Please don't think me depressed and suicidal. I'm really not. i LOVE life so much. I am so happy and pleased with everything. School is great - i'm in this crazy sweet jazz history class and music makes me feel so alive! I've got the best friends and roommates in the world and my family is awesome.
I just feel as though i'm hanging in mid air. I think of Toy Story, for some reason - probably because i just watched it but - i feel like "The CLAAAAAWWWW!" I'm just hanging in this cage with all these different options. All of them would be good to choose, but i'm just hanging, and everyone's watching, and i just don't know where to drop the claw. I don't know where to try to land. And i worry that when i do try to land somewhere, i'll just come up empty-handed as many of those "guaranteed win" type of games tend to be.
I think the problem is that i think too much. I just want everyone to be happy. There's a couple friends in-particular that i've been thinking a lot about lately - and i just really want them to be happy and thrilled and successful.
Haha, my i-tunes, i've always thought can hear my thoughts. It is usually on shuffle and just started to play Keane's "She Has No Time." It is so true - i feel like i have no time but sometimes i just want to yell to some people that they consume my thoughts always.
"You think your days are uneventful - that no one ever thinks about you.
She goes her own way, she goes her own way.
You think your days are ordinary - that no one ever thinks about you.
But we're all the same, and she can hardly breathe without you.
She says she has no time for you now
She says she has no time.
Well think about the lonely people, or think about the day she found you
Or lie to yourself, and see it all dissolve around you.
She says she has no time for you now,
She says she has no time.
Lonely people tumble downwards,
And my heart opens up to you when she says
She has no time for you now,
She says she has no time."
Heck - i just made me an entire playlist called "Angst. Angst. Angst." in homage to Harry Potter Puppet Pals.
It is as follows:
"Never Knew" Rocket Summer
"She Has No time" Keane
"Apologize" One Republic/Timbaland
"Crystal Ball" Keane
"Is it any Wonder?" Keane
"Move Along" All American Rejects
"I think Its Going to Rain Today" Norah Jones
"Hamburg Song" Keane
"Yer Motion" Reeve Oliver
"I want to Know Your Plans" Say Anything
"Oh God" Jamie Cullum
"If I Ever Leave This World Alive" Flogging Molly
"Selfless, cold and Composed" Ben Folds Five
It's going to expand, I'm sure.
Anyway - it's just a wonder to me the timing of life. Just a couple months ago i was saying to my roommate that i really wish i had a boy to go to to cuuuuddle with (it's what every girl wants, right?) or to talk to or open up to in a deeper way - ok...a boyfriend - and here i have one thrust into my lap, and i don't want it! Or, i guess, would rather have others. That sounds SO terrible. And hearing, or seeing, myself say that makes me feel like such a loser - but i have to be honest! A few weeks ago when it started to develop i was like "oh, he's cute...i'll have to think about this one?" and then he made a move so i was instantly twitterpated - but then comes break and then comes school again and ...there's just not a connection. Not like i thought there would be. And there's no reason there shouldn't be - he's great! He's the most thoughtful and polite boy i've met at school so far, except maybe one who - there's no interest on either side there anyway so...whatever. He's cute, he's kind, he's talented - there's NO reason not to be head over heels for this person!!
But my retarded brain is showing hesitancy and resistance. I think i'm starting to have pretty strong feelings for someone else - someone close to this other boy. And i know there's nothing there - because he did have interest a couple months ago and i know that's gone - so the ship has sailed and i lose. And i dare not voice this interest to anyone or i'd be digging myself into terribly deep holes. And i am pretty sure that all my sentences start with "And."
I just want to run away. I want to get away and I don't want to have social stigmas hanging on me, I don't want to have any reputation whatsoever - whether good or bad - and I just want to move to New York City and blend in with the millions of countless, nameless people there. Ok, so honestly i dont' want to blend at all. I really want to make a name for myself - but, who doesn't? So, that is basically the same as saying - blend in..just like everybody else.
I feel constricted by life right now. It's beautiful, it's wonderful, it's exciting and it's a happy life -but a constricting one. It's like being stuck in a world with rainbows and music and smiles and of course the occasional angst- but it just never changes. It's almost like i'm out of control of what happens. I can't control my feelings for someone, and if i do "control them" it's not really being honest, then, is it - to have to really "try to make it work"- ??
I just don't want to hurt anyone! It's almost like it's not enough to be honest. It's not enough to just be myself. No matter what I do, there will be a result and the result will always be good for someone and bad for someone or something else - and then i'm left no where. But it's not enough to ignore things either - so, thus, i want to get away! I just want to leave - start new.
Why is it that i don't want the things that i know will never, never, let me down?