Sunday, November 2, 2008

you know that november has come when it's gone

I can't stand it. I have so much to say and yet nothing at all. I don't even know how to attack it! It's amazing to me how so much can happen in such a short amount of time, and so much can be in your head and all means of expression, save prayer alone, seem inadequate and/or dry.

In a meager attempt, I'll try to break it down.

What I have felt in the past two days:

Overwhelming gratitude
I walked. I prayed. I am glad. And the leaves shining in the rain and street lights at night is a sight that can illuminate the poorest soul.

Ebullient joy
I always thought ebullient should be a word that should be appropriate for inanimate objects, like a coffee pot. I guess it's because I never thought that I would reach a point where i was ebullient with something...but now I am. And it is joy, pure joy.

The spirit of Pocahontas
I followed the, sort of. It was spectacular and taught me a lot that I really needed to know. It's great how you can seek one thing and come back with bunches of others.

Hidden Guilt
Am I allowed to do what I do? What I want to do? Is it offensive? It's hardest especially when you know that you're not what you want to be. And that fuzzy line between selfishness and selflessness is a path I fear I tread too often. I hate it.

I want to help. Come to me, please, it's okay! I won't tell secrets and I can give good hugs, I swear! Go ahead, and let your guard down; no walls, locked doors or cages...

Apologetic and responsible
I am so sorry. I do things i don't mean to do. I say things i don't mean to say. And the things I do mean to say that come out the wrong way weren't supposed to come out like that. And it surprises me, just like it surprises you, i promise. I only ever mean to uplift, to gladden and if those goals are not accomplished in full, then my work is most incomplete. And if my avoidance of confrontation has made this all worse for you, then my silence is my worst mistake.
I'm sorry I don't have enough time.
I'm sorry if the needle pinched you.
I'm sorry I can't talk about how I feel.
I'm sorry that you make me nervous.
I'm sorry I don't visit as often as I should.
I'm sorry I forgot.
I'm sorry to admit my weaknesses so bluntly.
I'm sorry for not knowing you better.
I'm sorry for being difficult to understand.
I'm sorry for being neglectful.
I'm sorry if I seem uninterested.
I'm sorry I forgot to smile.
But please, please accept me as human and don't leave. And contrary to One Republic and Timbaland - it is SO not too late to apologize, hey heh, heh heh....

Relentless Restlessness
I think I'm still trying to figure out how to blossom where I'm planted.

I don't need anything, and somehow everything seems right! I'm surrounded by good people and family, enveloped in the fall, learning, growing and celebrating each day!

Pending Excitement
Something's coming. I dunno what. But it's coming and it's gonna be rad.

Apprehensiveness and anxiousness
I don't know why, really. I suppose feelings of inadequacy, and such. Blah blah blah - it's my United States of whatever so...WHATEVA!

At this time of year, there are so many things to look forward to. Current projects, like Christmas Carol, work, and building friendships thrill me! As does the Holiday season - good food, friends, family. Voila - life is perfect!

I know, I know. Get over it, right? Nah - if we don't remember where we've been then we can't know where we're going. I just have to look at the less than respectable moments in a more neutral light, assuming all is dealt with properly. I also am learning to leave pieces of myself in positive places and avoid moments that may make me feel regretful.

Peace and love
And as i sit here at 12:30 Monday morning, eating my leftover Thai food, chasing time all the while and feeling the glorious pressures of living, I can say that I know my Savior lives, and loves me too! The Spirit whispers it to me, and tells me it is true.


  1. I wish I could tell you how much I love you. You make the world a better place just by being you everyday. Thank you so much, you have blessed my life.

  2. And THIS is why we're friends.