Sunday, October 12, 2008

another day brings me back here.

Everyone wants to write something, i think. They want to write something that changes lives, that affects someone and that really hits the spot, whatever that spot may be. It's gotta have "it!" Whatever the "it" refers to.

I don't think this is that blog.

I think this is just the blog that everyone writes when they're trying to write the spectacular memoir on life and religion, or on living in harmony - as one with oneself and with the world. This is that blog - that pseduo-spectacular thing - that is interesting to none but the reader.

Thought number one:
Isn't it delightful to be touched? I think so. It's quite pleasing to have someone want to be close to you. It gives you the impression that they care and may have particular interest. Juxtapose it with all the strings attached and it's not so much fun anymore.

Thought number two:
"Isn't it funny?!" She says and looks at me, laughing with mutual appreciation and understanding, while simultaneously he spouts "Isn't it funny?!" with that same look of awareness and comprehension. And then, looking from her to him, him to her, it all makes sense. The phrase "middle man" comes to life, as does the phrase "3rd wheel." And it all makes sense that Dan in Real Life is biographical and so very, very true tl life. All you can expect is to be surprised, and..SURPRISE! Sometimes things just happen. Which is good! But why, then, is there so much apprehension? And why is it that the unwritten rules are what keep everything all at bay? Doesn't it just make sense for everything to work out great? But - are personal insecurities, and self esteem more important than mutual attraction and happy endings? Probably. And that's when reality sets in again. Don't you just wanna kick it and smash it with a frying pan?!?!

And then there is everyone else. It's good that there are other options. It makes it a little easier pill to swallow. It's nice that everyone else is kind, and attractive and mildly invested, perhaps. I'm too used to it, though, i suppose. I should be independent and take time to "figure myself out" That's not what i want.

Mostly, I do just want to not have to try. It scares me to have to get to know people - i dont' know how! I've gotten too used to being myself, my whole self, all the time and not being judged for it. What then? What if it's not desirable. What if it's not wanted or appreciated.

Why can't we all just be honest and say what we feel!?

1 comment:

  1. Saying what you feel? What kind of game is that?

    Welcome back to the blogosphere.