Monday, March 17, 2008

Expiration Dates and Reality

So it's been a while since i've "blogged"
Here i go:

Lately i've had a lot on my mind, and really, who doesn't? But something that i've found surprising is the element of death and how it's, in essence, haunting me.
Now, don't get me wrong - the suicide awareness videos, ads, and such always say that the signs of someone who "just might try it" is that they think about it, talk about it (as though they're calling out for someone to stop them) and such like that.
This is not me.
Heck! I was a 3-year member of the H.O.P.E (Hold On, Persuade, Empower) squad student suicide counseling club at my high school.
I'm legitimately glad to be alive.
1. It's life. Who doesn't love it with all its ups and downs. It's like a fun lil' roller coaster. The ups are a relief and the downs are just thrilling!
2. Got talent? So much God-given potential. Why waste yours when you can change the world!?
3. All you need is Love! It feels SO good! Friends, family, pets - what have you, they love you!! They may not LIKE you but that's a different story...
4. For the Beauty of the Earth. I love flowers, sun, canyons, mountains, rolling hills, wind, water, trees and green to not have what the earth has to give. I just planted a pot of flowers, for goodness sake! Cant leave that undone.
5. Color my world! Color is just too beautiful and fun, really. There's a rumor that everyone in heaven wears white. They say that a lot up there is white. Ew. I'm not ready for white.

SO! That being said, allow me to elaborate on the morbidity that i alluded to earlier:

My whole life i've never been afraid of dying. A lot of people have an instilled fear of death. The only thing i fear would be what i leave behind - sadness, extra responsibility and the creating various holes that i currently fill. Joseph Smith, I think it was, once said that if we here on earth knew what the other side was like we'd be trying every type of suicide to get ourselves there faster, but the Lord has given us a fear of death to keep us here until we accomplish our purposes and finish out our responsibilities. I know i haven't filled mine yet, and even if i have - i'm having fun so I'm here to stay.

However, i'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to the relief, to the joy, to the light and to the beauties.

It seems as though, with life as busy as it is, i've thought how i just don't want to live through today. I often wish that the veil was more thin that it even is now, where some days we could just cease to exist as mortal, and the next day hop right back in after our lovely vacation. (and they say Hawaii is a good destination! HA!) Some days get so hard, and situations happen were I just think to myself that death would be better. A release would be better. But then again, how would I ever aspire, learn and grow, or be rich and famous as a dead person? Perhaps if i took up painting and left a few hundred bizarre canvases behind I could pull that off....

Nevertheless, sometimes i'll stand on the corner of the street and think "if i took three steps out, it'd be done for!" Sometimes i think "if only i slipped on this ice, i could fall and hit my head and spend weeks in the hospital and not have to worry about anything."

Life is such a fragile thing.

Maybe this has to do with my fear of cancer. I'm not afraid of cancer, actually, i think if i had to go thru chemo i'd live it up as best i could with funky wigs - a different one every day - and cool hats and turbans and scarves and such. What i'm afraid of is not knowing i have it. I woke up with a splitting headache today. I never get headaches, let alone right when i wake up. My first thought is "What if i have a tumor? What if i'm having a cranial hemorrhage? What if this is a slow acting aneurism?" Oh the uncertainty and uniqueness of the human body!

For reasons like that, reasons of the unknown, reasons like you could be dying and not even know it - (i think healthy living is just the slowest way of dying...) - it's reasons like that that make me wonder if God gave us expiration dates. I think we all have one - we must. He sure as heck knows about it...but we just haven't found where he's written it down.
It's engraved in our hearts, perhaps?
Maybe on the inner liner of our femurs?
The inside edges of the scapula?
Nope! I've got it.
The rectum. No one would ever look there.

1 comment:

  1. Pretty sure I laughed out loud when I read that last line. :)