Friday, April 23, 2010

It's Because I like MSN Messenger "Today" Updates.

This is my favorite painting. It was painted by Renoir and is called "The Dance at Bougival."

I love it because the way I have perceived this painting, over time, has changed, with time. Currently - I love her.  Who is she? And what does she want? I think her expression is so perfectly coy and I get the impression that she is a totally independent young woman, toying with that poor man's emotions, (who seems, to me, to be absolutely intent on wooing her, despite her curious air of aloof cordiality.) Sometimes he is my favorite part of the painting. But not today.

Okay. So - when I'm at work, we're supposed to always have Microsoft Outllook open as well as MSN Messenger. The first for more lengthy communications, forwards, team announcements, calendar invites, etc - things that we should know ASAP - and the other for quick, individual questions.

Every time I log into MSN Messenger, the MSN "Today" pops up. This is a small-ish, square window with popular news feeds. It is because of this daily update that I found out about Patrick Swayze or Michael Jackson. It is because I take a few minutes before work to read the headlines that I learned about internet trolling, and even sometimes things like all-natural make-at-home beauty products. I can't help the fact that I like to feel "in the know," OKAY?!

Well - I got on an internet tangent the other day. You know - just clicking here and then "Oh what's that" and a click there, here a click, there a click, everywhere a click, click.

It started with my curiosity regarding MSN Messenger's "Today" headline regarding the "Best and Worst" of some recent country music awards thing. (Kudos to Carrie Underwood for her 2nd win! Huzzah.) And I watched a "behind the scenes" video where they interviewed some woman. I don't really know who she was but she seemed like a really classy, elegantly dressed, sophisticated black woman. The interviewer asked why she feels her fans are so loyal to her. She mentioned that she thinks she gets on a different level with her fans than other artists do because, through her music, she lets her fans know that she's not really very different from them. She said "We're all in this together. We feel the same things. We like the same things. We do the same things. And I'm not afraid to admit to my fans that I'm just like them." (Paraphrasing.)

So, after a day of attempting to cram a week's worth of work into 6 hours, a frenzied rush to dress rehearsal, a great, but tiring, run through, and too much In-N-Out - I can't sleep (cruel trick of fate...) So here I am - awake and alone and surrounded by the haunting rhythm of 4 clocks ticking out-of-sync with each other.

Here's where everything all comes together. Like the elegant woman I listened to in the interview I feel like I want to admit some things so you all know that I'm not trying to pretend to be someone I'm not, you know? It's like when you pinch yourself to test whether or not you're dreaming. Or something.
So here I go!
I'm real, real insecure sometimes. I've been living in a rather desultory, aimless way lately. I feel up, I feel down and I feel I'm spread just about as thin as anyone could be. At other times of my life, I've been far better in literally every category: mental, emotional, academical, spiritual, you name it. I feel stagnant. I feel tired. I feel directionless And I'm craving change.

Luckily, I think change is an inevitable, constant progress. That's good to know, I suppose. But I think it's a lot like when I was super into playing my trombone. You practice and practice and practice - and you never really SEE yourself improving. But, because subconsciously you're aware of the progress, your standards always change to be higher and higher. So you never really feel like the goal is attainable because on the outside it seems like you never reach it. But if you just STOP for a second you can see just how far you've come.

I know I've come far. I'm very different than I used to be - in a good way, mostly.

But I'm at a point where it's time to make new goals. It's time to reach for something new because after you get married and after you reach the point of almost being done with college, well, there go all those MAJOR LIFE BIG GOALS that you look forward to finishing for YOUR WHOLE LIFE!! (Or, at least, your whole life up until the point of actually finishing those particular goals.)

I tell you what, though - this all snuck up on me real fast! I'm officially a senior in college. I need to start looking more forward and, Tah-DAH, figure out WHAT I WANT. Which is actually sort of scary to me - though I don't really know why. And while I do know a few, general things that I want to have, and to do, and to be (like a nicer camera, visit a ghost town and be great) - it's a pretty lame start.

I think that may be why I feel so blah and plateau-ey. I'm too nervous to pick the "wrong thing" that I want, so I'd almost just rather stay put where I am!! At least -that's the school of thought that I've been entertaining.

Until now.

I fly, my friends. And I will take off again, soon. I just need a little more time to get it all together in my mind but I think I'm out of the denial phase. I've admitted my weaknesses which, at this point, feels like just about everything. So while I've got a lot of work ahead of me, I feel really okay about it. Because I'm taking hold of it. And that's what matters.

Because - it's not about where you've been but where you're going that matters.


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