Today I Had Time

Do you ever have time?

I rarely do.

I make time.

I waste time.

I want time.

I use time.

I track time.

I spend time.

But today, I had time.

So I went to the store. I exercised. I finally did many things that I've said I want to do. 

It felt pretty great.

But the greatest part is that I got to think. I hardly ever let myself just think.

I wonder and I gripe and I say and do things spur-of-the-moment and I stew and I vent and I'm glad and I feel things but I hardly ever just think.

But it was nice to think because I was able to make resolves.

I'm starting to believe that thinking is, well, necessary! And going through life on auto-pilot is not so cool, after all.

May I please just say something?

Okay -  so here's the deal. I have ambitions and goals. Lots of them. Just look down on the left side of the page there, see? I want to do things. I want to be things.  And I will.

But here's the thing.

The world has some major crap in it. And that's gotta stop. I am sick and tired of lewdness. I am disgusted with the way people tolerate the promotion of hatred and violence portrayed in the media. I do not like swear words and cussing except when used by my theory teacher when he refers to the hellacious nature of certain rules of music composition, because I think swearing is cowardly and unintelligent. I do not like the knee-jerk reactions people have that cause them to feel angry and lash out. I think grudges are ridiculous. I wish women would wear more clothes and respect themselves enough to demand respect from others, too. I find it intolerable how much people take religion - any religion - for granted. Is it so wrong to believe in something and practice an active, spiritual hope? And, while I appreciate the emotional impact that art, in all its forms, can have on an individual, I do not appreciate that the seemingly most commonly sought after emotional response is that of shock and awe, blood and sadness.  I understand what "real" things happen in the world but I hatehatehate that the only "real" things people talk about are degrading, sad, and disgusting. Seldom do we hear of the happy, great people who choose to help others, love themselves, and overcome obstacles.

That, my friends, is what I want to stand for the most. I wish the leaders in today's world stood more for those things. I wish head-hanchos in the media focused on sending messages of genuine love, not just sexual promiscuity. I wish goodness, beauty, morality and integrity stood out in the world in place of degradation, filth and peripheral social refuse that people can't seem to get enough of.

Can we not stand for something better? 

I submit: We can. 

Please note that I only speak in a broad generalization, here. Understand that I am aware of musical artists, movies, actors, news channels, and other forms of media that are happy, promote goodness and are otherwise free of sleeze. I simply use generalizations to keep this blog relatively shorter and such.

Once Upon A Mattress

We've had 2 shows (opening night was last night) and it's going SO SO SO WELL!

I'd really love to see all of you, my friends, come! I KNOW you won't be disappointed. We've heard great reviews, we're all having a ball and I just know you'd love it.

It's at the Scera Theater in Orem and it's got an AMAZING CAST full of talented people!!! Showing April 23-May 8 Mondays, Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays at 7:30 PM. Tickets are $12/Adults, $10/Students. CALL 801-225-ARTS for tickets or visit http://www.scera.org today!

For REAL?!?!

Too bad it's probably too late....sigh

CLICK HERE!

It's Because I like MSN Messenger "Today" Updates.

This is my favorite painting. It was painted by Renoir and is called "The Dance at Bougival."


I love it because the way I have perceived this painting, over time, has changed, with time. Currently - I love her.  Who is she? And what does she want? I think her expression is so perfectly coy and I get the impression that she is a totally independent young woman, toying with that poor man's emotions, (who seems, to me, to be absolutely intent on wooing her, despite her curious air of aloof cordiality.) Sometimes he is my favorite part of the painting. But not today.

Okay. So - when I'm at work, we're supposed to always have Microsoft Outllook open as well as MSN Messenger. The first for more lengthy communications, forwards, team announcements, calendar invites, etc - things that we should know ASAP - and the other for quick, individual questions.

Every time I log into MSN Messenger, the MSN "Today" pops up. This is a small-ish, square window with popular news feeds. It is because of this daily update that I found out about Patrick Swayze or Michael Jackson. It is because I take a few minutes before work to read the headlines that I learned about internet trolling, and even sometimes things like all-natural make-at-home beauty products. I can't help the fact that I like to feel "in the know," OKAY?!

Well - I got on an internet tangent the other day. You know - just clicking here and then "Oh what's that" and a click there, here a click, there a click, everywhere a click, click.

It started with my curiosity regarding MSN Messenger's "Today" headline regarding the "Best and Worst" of some recent country music awards thing. (Kudos to Carrie Underwood for her 2nd win! Huzzah.) And I watched a "behind the scenes" video where they interviewed some woman. I don't really know who she was but she seemed like a really classy, elegantly dressed, sophisticated black woman. The interviewer asked why she feels her fans are so loyal to her. She mentioned that she thinks she gets on a different level with her fans than other artists do because, through her music, she lets her fans know that she's not really very different from them. She said "We're all in this together. We feel the same things. We like the same things. We do the same things. And I'm not afraid to admit to my fans that I'm just like them." (Paraphrasing.)

So, after a day of attempting to cram a week's worth of work into 6 hours, a frenzied rush to dress rehearsal, a great, but tiring, run through, and too much In-N-Out - I can't sleep (cruel trick of fate...) So here I am - awake and alone and surrounded by the haunting rhythm of 4 clocks ticking out-of-sync with each other.

Here's where everything all comes together. Like the elegant woman I listened to in the interview I feel like I want to admit some things so you all know that I'm not trying to pretend to be someone I'm not, you know? It's like when you pinch yourself to test whether or not you're dreaming. Or something.
So here I go!
I'm real, real insecure sometimes. I've been living in a rather desultory, aimless way lately. I feel up, I feel down and I feel I'm spread just about as thin as anyone could be. At other times of my life, I've been far better in literally every category: mental, emotional, academical, spiritual, you name it. I feel stagnant. I feel tired. I feel directionless And I'm craving change.

Luckily, I think change is an inevitable, constant progress. That's good to know, I suppose. But I think it's a lot like when I was super into playing my trombone. You practice and practice and practice - and you never really SEE yourself improving. But, because subconsciously you're aware of the progress, your standards always change to be higher and higher. So you never really feel like the goal is attainable because on the outside it seems like you never reach it. But if you just STOP for a second you can see just how far you've come.

I know I've come far. I'm very different than I used to be - in a good way, mostly.

But I'm at a point where it's time to make new goals. It's time to reach for something new because after you get married and after you reach the point of almost being done with college, well, there go all those MAJOR LIFE BIG GOALS that you look forward to finishing for YOUR WHOLE LIFE!! (Or, at least, your whole life up until the point of actually finishing those particular goals.)

I tell you what, though - this all snuck up on me real fast! I'm officially a senior in college. I need to start looking more forward and, Tah-DAH, figure out WHAT I WANT. Which is actually sort of scary to me - though I don't really know why. And while I do know a few, general things that I want to have, and to do, and to be (like a nicer camera, visit a ghost town and be great) - it's a pretty lame start.

I think that may be why I feel so blah and plateau-ey. I'm too nervous to pick the "wrong thing" that I want, so I'd almost just rather stay put where I am!! At least -that's the school of thought that I've been entertaining.

Until now.

I fly, my friends. And I will take off again, soon. I just need a little more time to get it all together in my mind but I think I'm out of the denial phase. I've admitted my weaknesses which, at this point, feels like just about everything. So while I've got a lot of work ahead of me, I feel really okay about it. Because I'm taking hold of it. And that's what matters.

Because - it's not about where you've been but where you're going that matters.

Right?

Springtime, Finals and Ambrosia Salad

It's Spring and classes ended on Tuesday. Mentally, I'm shutting down. This is not good because I still have every single one of my finals left to take!

It's just that playing outside, tossing a frisbee, having bonfires and hosting dinner parties with friends sounds SO much more appealing.

Speaking of dinner parties, we went to a BBQ last night where we ate delicious smoked hamburgers. Yes. Smoked. They sit in this special grill-machine and get flavored smoke blasted through them. It makes the outside edges all delicious and tough. Oh man. I've never had such a burger.

The husband and I offered to bring a side dish. Naturally, I was craving what I've heard referred to as
"Ambrosia Salad." 

I learned how to make it from my friend Shelley. She makes it like this:

1 Can Crushed Pineapple. Mix it with a box of Instant Pistachio Pudding mix to make a lil' paste.

Then mix that with some mini-marshmallows. How much? Oh you know, the perfect amount.

Then drain a can of mandarin oranges and mix THOSE in.

THEN mix a tub of cool whip in there.

Taaaah-DAH!

I've read online that some people make it with sour cream. Ew.

But the shredded coconut suggestions sound pretty okay!

All I know is that I looked up the word "Ambrosia" in a dictionary and it said "the food of the gods; something very pleasing to taste or smell."

Oh YES it is!!

I could eat it all day.  

Literally.

And not feel bad because we bought reduced-fat cool whip. Aw yeah.

Flipping a House

I've always wanted to flip a house. 

ALWAYS. 

My interest began when I was about nine years old. We lived in upstate New York and there was this house that was sort of barn-ish. It was red, had two buildings to it, and was connected by an overpass of sorts. The driveway went underneath the overpass. Anyway - it was just past this bridge over the Erie Canal that my family had to cross, often, to get to places that we were going. My mom told me a family we knew moved into that house to fix it up and then were going to try to sell it.

"NOVEL IDEA!" I thought.

Then, recently, the economy crashed and I got married. These are two things that gave me pause. 1. The husband and I needed a place to live and 2. a monthly payment for a home was/is comparable to monthly rent. Sheish!

Well, in the hullabaloo of wedding planning and what not, we decided to rent. Less hidden expenses, and we don't have to worry when faced with water leaks or furnace issues.

But in the last couple days the idea of buying one of these GORGEOUS, old, (but decaying) Provo homes and restoring it to its former glory seems undeniably appealing. Especially since Spencer and I are taking off spring semester - the possibilities are endless!! For instance,  a few, small improvements to our own apartment (retiling the bathroom floor, repaint a few things, replace the stove and light fixtures) and VOILA - it's instantly 100% more livable. 

Unfortunately, we're not made of money. And we're going to Europe this summer. Alas, I suppose signing up to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity will have to suffice, for now.  Unless someone is flipping a house - let me know! I'd love to help!

Oh - and does anyone know of anyone who will need an apartment to rent for a month from July 19 to about August 19? 

My Lucky Day!

Today I went to the mall after I went to CostCo after I had been at a Once Upon a Mattress rehearsal/Funny Girl call back from 9:00 - 2:00.

I'll start at the beginning!

The rehearsal went really well! The show is coming along QUITE nicely and I'd really encourage all your local Utah folks to come out and see it if you can. It's going to be super great - everyone is really talented, and the costumes/set are/is based on James Christensen paintings.

While we were polishing scenes and doing run-throughs till 2:00 am, I was LUCKYLUCKYLUCKY enough to be called back as one of about 8 girls for the role of Fanny Brice in "Funny Girl." I mostly auditioned for the experience and practice of auditioning - I doubt I'll get the part. (Probably because of the line Fanny has in the show about her "chicken legs." Yeahh - I don't have those!! Jk :) ) But I was happy and flattered to be considered so seriously! Huzzah for confidence!

I also was lucky enough to be able to sign up to visit the chiropractor who trades service to the SCERA theater for tickets! He cracked my back all up and down and did this sweet ninja-like twisty move on my head that made my neck say "CraeKEAhEkKAHEREERAAAnNNnalakaCraCKITYcrackCRAcker!!"

It was delightful.

Then the husband and I went to CostCo for Spinach, Fruit Gushers, Grape Juice, Honey Bunches of Oats, frozen chicken pasta yummy, NutriGrain Bars (yeeeahh!!!), tortillas, Dino Bytes and pillows so my neck doesn't have to say "CraeKEAhEkKAHEREERAAAnNNnalakaCraCKITYcrackCRAcker!!" anymore.

Then, because I have pregnant friends, we stopped at the mall so I could go to Baby Gap and get gift cards. I was waiting in line for a long time because there was only one girl behind the counter checking out a girl in a super cute sweater with a super cute head band with a LOT of baby clothes. I thought "Hmm. she probably has a lot of little kids." Then, as I waited, I pondered how that store promotes procreation with sheer cuteness. Anyway - I realized the girl in front of me was the one and only Nie Nie. I peed my pants about 3 drops. She is an incredible woman with an incredible story. She was in a near-fatal plane crash, fairly recently?, and blogs about her life and recovery and such. Her card was having trouble going through but - since I feel like I sort of know her from her blog and would totally trust her with anything - I offered to pay for her stuff but she was shopping with her mom, so she just put her purchase on hold.  I was so happy to meet her. She is absolutely delightful, sweet, cheerful and kind (which is, of course, to be expected.) And I think she's GORGEOUS. Her smile is so sweet and her eyes just SPARKLE. And her outfit was so cute, to boot, complete with bright red sparkle-toes. Ta Dah!! Click here to read her amazing blog. I would totally recommend it to anyone who is looking for a hopeful, happy source of inspiration for their day.

Thank you, Stephanie, for being so open to meeting me. I'm sorry you had trouble with your card at Baby Gap. I hope you were able to take all the cutest clothes ever home (especially the navy striped pajamas i couldn't help but notice and be jealous of.)

After that, Spence and I came home and slept for 2 hours. Then we took Sprout on a walk. He's the most perfect dog ever.

The end.

Hope everyone is having a good day, too!!

Okay, It's official:

If you speak with a clear, proper English accent, it's likely that I'll take you WAY more seriously.

I am becoming aware:

1) That I get overly paranoid. Just because the people parked outside my house haven't gotten out of their car and the lights in the house are off, except for one creepy, glowing light upstairs does NOT mean there are marauders afoot.

2) That I have frightfully high expectations of myself and frightfully punish myself (emotionally, not physically - well kind of physically if you count all the Easter candy I've polished off in the last couple days) if I don't live up to those expectations but since I've realized that maybe that just means that I'm accepting that it's OKAY to take a break once in a while?

3) That I think other people have frightfully high expectations when, in fact, they don't.

4) That I nevernevernevernevernever want to become a controlling, manipulative person. Just an accepting, peaceful person

5) That I have to learn a woman's strength. I have to learn to have that big woman-sized heart. It's difficult to let go of my selfishness.

6) That I really should blog more because it's truly therapeutic.

7) That I REALLY wish there was a Zumba class nearby that was, well, free. And yoga might be cool, too.

8) That I'm happier when I encourage people I love and think are great and need to remember to pray for them because that makes me happy, too.

9) That it's tough to get business. (Tell everyone you know that's engaged that I'm having a drawing!!)

10) That I just want to learn to make things beautiful.

A Give-Away!!

Good NEWS everyone!! My website is up and full of more delicious pictures and invitations than ever before!!

My Website
(go ahead and click on it!)

Tah-Dah!!!

And, better yet, I'm "hosting"(I don't know what word to use there) a Give-away!! If you enter to win HERE (go ahead and click on it!) you may be chosen to win a free engagement or bridal session and/or a discounted wedding package!!

Do enter if you'd like and tell all your friends! 

It's Been a While

I know, I know - it's been a few days.

But I haven't had too much time, lately, and (frankly) I still don't.

Just know that I am well. I'm working my tail off, I'm trying my best and everything's going to work out.

I suppose everyone feels insecure and overwhelmed sometimes, right?

Good luck to you all in all that you do! I'll be back soon, cross my heart!

Hyacinths and Grandmas

I remember the day that hyacinths became my favorite flower. 

We went to visit my Grandma at the retirement home where she lived in Rochester, New York one spring evening.  Each of the apartments at her complex had a little shelf outside the front door where everyone would typically display little statuettes from around the world or pictures of their grandchildren. On my grandma's floor, maybe two or three doors down from her, lived a woman who would have a new, fresh batch of flowers out on her shelf every week.

Well, one Sunday we went to visit my Grammy and the woman had hyacinths outside of her door. When we got off the elevator I was MESMERIZED.  You could smell them all the way down the hall before you could even see them. I didn't know what they were at that point - but I knew that what I was smelling was Spring. And I looked at them as we passed - stopping to inspect each of the small buds on the stalk and I made up my mind then and there that even though their shape was not at all typical, their smell was so overpowering and almost royal that they deserved to be my absolute favorite.

And that's the way it's been ever since then! Hyacinths have been my favoritefavoritefavoritefavorite flower. And last evening as I was sitting at my house on Easter Sunday, I could smell the hyacinth that my dad gave my mom throughout the entire house and my heart was so glad. I'm so happy for beautiful, colorful flowers and smells, and memories and the rebirth of living things during this season.

The Timing of my Life

God must have put me on the planet now-a-days because if he'd have put me on back then, I'd 
have been FAR too happy and glad all the time. 
Hrmph. I suppose life is supposed to be a challenge or something.

But seriously - has your happy tank just filled up ALL THE WAY FOR THE NEXT WEEK!??!?!

Mine has.

Thursday

It's only Thursday morning, but between Monday and now - it feels like it's been a few years.

I sort of feel like those big goldfish you see at the stores that have huge, goggly eyes and big, fleshy, brain-like appendages on their general forehead regions. 

Yep. 

I feel like that. 

Big, goggly eyes (because I have to keep them wide open or else I'll fall asleep!!) and my brain falling out of my head.

I feel I must take off the Spring term, in that I've been doing school for just about three years straight, now.

Luckily - my time is filled with wonderful things for which I'm truly so so so so grateful. I've got a wonderful job that's teaching me crazy marketable skills. I'm going to school where I'm learning things that will be useful somewhere, I guess. I'm building websites and making stuff for my budding hobby I like to compare to "photography" but, since I feel like I barely know what I'm doing - - I don't know if I can call myself a photographer...yet :) I'm trying to get my neat-o blog idea underway (which won't happen for some months, I'm sure, but it's neat to think about it!) And I'm spending oodles of time with unbelievably talented people in Once Upon a Mattress Rehearsals. It's SO FUN and I'm so lucky to be a part of that show. I'm amazed by how fantastic everyone is!!

So - I guess for now, being tired is ooo-kay. Sometimes you've just got to do what you got to do! Which, unfortunately in my case, means ignoring the enticing calls of a big, comfy bed and a beautiful IKEA comforter saying "Lizzy! Ignore the world and come sleeeeep!"