Life

When I was younger, it was really easy to think about what I wanted to "be" when I grew up. On my list from yester-year are things such as: an Orthodontist, an Egyptologist, a Musician, a Physical Therapist, a Cardiologist, a Teacher and a Culinary Artist.

Problem #1: From a very young age, we assume that what we do for a living IS who we are.

I think it was easy, then, because any whim I had that interested me could very well be what I decided would be my future. Depending on what I was studying in school - I could choose it as a profession!

Probelm #2: Whims are far too interesting for me too ignore, but maybe I take them too seriously.

Then it came time to apply for college. Junior year of high school I was ambitious. I was going to apply and audition for 5 music schools - to see where I could go, even though I was pretty set on BYU. HOLD UP! Audition for music schools? What made me decide that? Well, by the time high school ended that's all I had done. Band band band band. So that's what I was good at. So that's what I figured I should do for the rest of my life.

Problem #3: Assumption that you should enjoy, wholeheartedly, something that you're good at and pursue it 'till you die.

Senior year I lost that ambition and only applied for BYU. I was accepted and started, again with the assumption that since I didn't take as many other subject classes in high school, I wouldn't be able to puruse those things in college.

Problem #4: The stigma that you need previous training in something to begin it. Now that's an oxymoron if you ask me.

Freshman year I front-loaded my schedule with music classes, figuring that if I immersed myself in it, I'd be able to tell if I really liked it or not. Then I'd be able to decide if I wanted to continue. Turns out, I didn't like it very much, but I felt locked in to the major because of the large amount of music credits I had accumulated in my first year.

Problem #5: College - what you do to puruse your dreams - was hindering me from pursuing other things (or at least the collegiate strucutre was...)

Sophomore year I was still pretty unhappy. I changed my emphasis in music from performance to contemporary music so at least the major was a little more palletable. I figured music business would be fun. It's the practical side of work that I like plus all the music credits I've accumulated. Not so.

Problem #6: I deceived myself into thinking the program is something it's not.

Junior year. I met with the asst. dean of fine arts, my advisers, my parents and everyone thinkable to know if I could change my major, what I would change it to, substitute some classes that would benefit me in a professional career for some other classes in the music major,  or (if I don't change) how fast can I get myself out of school!??! Great potential in other degree programs, sure, but for some, I have too many credits to even apply. For others, I'd be in school an extra 3-5 semesters. Boo. I decided I'd rather be done with school in a "just fine" major, than in school longer for a degree I love.

Problem #7: Lack of flexibility with my own education.

So here I am, waiting to start my last year of college. What am I going to do afterward? 

I have no idea.

And it makes me really, really nervous.