if i could

i would write a discourse about how my life parallels to "Across the Universe." I would send it to Julie Taymor. I would also send a plate of cookies and a thank you note, with perhaps a hand-crafted centerpiece of some sort.

Unfortunately that would take hours, and i dare not begin to indulge in the analyzing of such a juxtaposition because it would never end, and never be complete and thus - i shall die.

But lyrics? Yeah, they're pretty powerful.

all you need is love; for the wisdom


let it be (my personal favorite :) ); for the soul


blackbird; for the hope


strawberry fields; for the honesty (start at 2:00)


hey jude; for the attitude

i changed it because i changed my mind.

ive wanted to post for days, but i'm dry and drained, So here's my feeble attempt.

to post is to express
to express is to be vulnerable
to be vulnerable is to become exposed
to become exposed is to be defenseless
to be defenseless is to let your guard down
to let your guard down is to let someone in
to let someone in is to be bold
to be bold is to try to be courageous
to try to be courageous is to have audacity
to have audacity is to be honest
to be honest is to risk
to risk is to live
to live is to see
to see is to rejoice
to rejoice is to laugh
to laugh is to sing
to sing is to reflect
to reflect is to think
to think is to become illuminated
to become illuminated is to understand
to understand is to have expectations
to have expectations is to be disappointed
to be disappointed is to realize
to realize is to feel
to feel is to hurt
to hurt is to heal
to heal is to become stronger
to become stronger is to have experience
to have experience is to gain wisdom
to gain wisdom is to learn the right words to say

and having the right words? well, we all wish for that sometimes, now don't we?

Sometimes, Steriotypes are hilarious.

http://video.google.com/videosearch?q=the+onion+high+school+tony&hl=en&emb=0&aq=-1&oq=the+onion+high+school+ton#

my own personal post-it note

I love my roommate Jocelyn. We occasionally have the most invigorating discussions, and I love them. Just last night we were talking about the miracle of the fear of death. But she and I don't fear death, we concluded. We decided that instead God instilled in us a love of life. And that's our reason for going on.

So i looked at a blog i wrote once on a time about our expiration dates and why i hope mine isn't for a while. The reasons were these:

1. It's life. Who doesn't love it with all its ups and downs. It's like a fun lil' roller coaster. The ups are a relief and the downs are just thrilling!
2. Got talent? So much God-given potential. Why waste yours when you can change the world!?
3. All you need is Love! It feels SO good! Friends, family, pets - what have you, they love you!! They may not LIKE you but that's a different story...
4. For the Beauty of the Earth. I love flowers, sun, canyons, mountains, rolling hills, wind, water, trees and green and all the earth has to give.
5. Color my world! Color is just too beautiful and fun, really. There's a rumor that everyone in heaven wears white. They say that a lot up there is white. Ew. I'm not ready for white.

Ah, how we so easily forget!

And as tears surround my every move, burdens are made heavy, and as the sun goes down earlier and earlier, we forget the smiles that follow, the relief of a lighter weight, and the beauty of the night-time sky.

He said:
The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it. (J.M. Barrie)

I hope to keep tabs on my diary. I think i'd like it to stay true to what i maybe intended it to be before i came here. I'm sure what i wanted was not despondency and/or miscellaneous distress.
Not to say that we should never feel these emotions - acknowledge them, yes, but dwell in them, noooooo thank you!

All is well that ends well? No.
All is well that is.
For, i am not young enough to know everything.

my mouth ain't hungry, my chest is empty

i ate a bagel.

turns out, the Einstein brother's bagels' website is a purdy darn rad Flash website.
http://www.einsteinbros.com/

Acknowledged; i am a nerd. Hello, little captain.

I miss the days of Bruegger's bagels. I remember they would load me up with SO MUCH cream cheese that I scraped most of it off before eating my bagel. Oops, looks like I still do that. Perhaps it's the Bruegger's experiences that helped induce my phobia of white, creamy substances.

Oh and by the way, their website is lame.
http://www.brueggers.com/

my mouth is hungry, my chest is empty

I love how disoriented everything feels at 2:45 in the morning. And by love, i really do mean love. I think it's fascinating what seemingly silly, useless feelings and bits of information that would otherwise seem insignificant take their place as the leading-lady of the wee hours of the morning.

My brain? Well, in it is a culmination of songs, movie quotes and clips, and honestly - my life flashing before my eyes. And its at times like this when i most wish i could steal away into the deep confines of the HFAC. Just me, a piano, ...and a hundred other insane musicians...playin my heart out. Because what's in it? Music. Always music. Yet i can never really seem to tap into what is written there, and no matter how many times i try to get it out in just the right way, something about what's inside of me changes or i simply remain malcontent. Isn't that always the way? How glorious will be the day when what we feel all pent up inside can be expressed in just the way we'd like it.

But the lyrics to it all? What is my own, i find elementary. So sad.

you know that november has come when it's gone

I can't stand it. I have so much to say and yet nothing at all. I don't even know how to attack it! It's amazing to me how so much can happen in such a short amount of time, and so much can be in your head and all means of expression, save prayer alone, seem inadequate and/or dry.

In a meager attempt, I'll try to break it down.

What I have felt in the past two days:

Overwhelming gratitude
I walked. I prayed. I am glad. And the leaves shining in the rain and street lights at night is a sight that can illuminate the poorest soul.

Ebullient joy
I always thought ebullient should be a word that should be appropriate for inanimate objects, like a coffee pot. I guess it's because I never thought that I would reach a point where i was ebullient with something...but now I am. And it is joy, pure joy.

The spirit of Pocahontas
I followed the wind...er, sort of. It was spectacular and taught me a lot that I really needed to know. It's great how you can seek one thing and come back with bunches of others.

Hidden Guilt
Am I allowed to do what I do? What I want to do? Is it offensive? It's hardest especially when you know that you're not what you want to be. And that fuzzy line between selfishness and selflessness is a path I fear I tread too often. I hate it.

Concern
I want to help. Come to me, please, it's okay! I won't tell secrets and I can give good hugs, I swear! Go ahead, and let your guard down; no walls, locked doors or cages...

Apologetic and responsible
I am so sorry. I do things i don't mean to do. I say things i don't mean to say. And the things I do mean to say that come out the wrong way weren't supposed to come out like that. And it surprises me, just like it surprises you, i promise. I only ever mean to uplift, to gladden and if those goals are not accomplished in full, then my work is most incomplete. And if my avoidance of confrontation has made this all worse for you, then my silence is my worst mistake.
I'm sorry I don't have enough time.
I'm sorry if the needle pinched you.
I'm sorry I can't talk about how I feel.
I'm sorry that you make me nervous.
I'm sorry I don't visit as often as I should.
I'm sorry I forgot.
I'm sorry to admit my weaknesses so bluntly.
I'm sorry for not knowing you better.
I'm sorry for being difficult to understand.
I'm sorry for being neglectful.
I'm sorry if I seem uninterested.
I'm sorry I forgot to smile.
But please, please accept me as human and don't leave. And contrary to One Republic and Timbaland - it is SO not too late to apologize, hey heh, heh heh....

Relentless Restlessness
I think I'm still trying to figure out how to blossom where I'm planted.

Contentment
I don't need anything, and somehow everything seems right! I'm surrounded by good people and family, enveloped in the fall, learning, growing and celebrating each day!

Pending Excitement
Something's coming. I dunno what. But it's coming and it's gonna be rad.

Apprehensiveness and anxiousness
I don't know why, really. I suppose feelings of inadequacy, and such. Blah blah blah - it's my United States of whatever so...WHATEVA!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3nDQFickqY

Anticipation
At this time of year, there are so many things to look forward to. Current projects, like Christmas Carol, work, and building friendships thrill me! As does the Holiday season - good food, friends, family. Voila - life is perfect!

Regret
I know, I know. Get over it, right? Nah - if we don't remember where we've been then we can't know where we're going. I just have to look at the less than respectable moments in a more neutral light, assuming all is dealt with properly. I also am learning to leave pieces of myself in positive places and avoid moments that may make me feel regretful.

Peace and love
And as i sit here at 12:30 Monday morning, eating my leftover Thai food, chasing time all the while and feeling the glorious pressures of living, I can say that I know my Savior lives, and loves me too! The Spirit whispers it to me, and tells me it is true.