Monday, October 26, 2009

Thoughts about being 20.

A tradition I have every year is to write in my journal the day before my birthday. 1. I don't write in my journal very often so i figured the least i could do is a yearly recap. 2. I find it oddly nostalgic to record my last thoughts as a whatever-year-old.

Unfortunately, last night got busy, I didn't go to bed till 1:30 am and here i am at 12:10 am the next day trying to relive the last 24 or so hours of "birthday." What a rude awakening into "adulthood."

Or is it adulthood? I'm no longer a teenager, but i can't buy booze, nor does my driver's license expire, till next year. What good am I?

I am getting ready to get married, yes. I think if someone were to tell me that this time LAST year I may have laughed but secretly known deep down that it would have been reasonable to assume that Spencer and I were headed down that path. Had someone told me my sister would get married this year I would have raised an eyebrow. Had someone told me I'd STILL be a music major I may have threatened physical abuse.

This year? I don't know how to describe it. I guess I'd call it a "good" year over all because - why not? But really, it's been pretty nuts. SO many ups and SO many downs. I hate my major/i'm okay with my major, major roadblocks to marriage/freedom to do whatever, sitting in insufferable rehearsals/touring to Japan and Korea - Yeah, world - I was in flippin' TOKYO this last summer. Who does that?! I mean, really, I lucked out.

I just wish that my emotions could be consistent. I think that's been the strangest factor of my 19th year. I can't seem to stop my life from spinning to REALLY think things out before freaking out about it. I've never been too emotional and this year I've been ALL over the charts.

I guess it's all for a greater good, though. I've grown a lot. I've matured a lot - I can feel it. I spend my time doing more "practical" things. I spend my time thinking about HSA's, furniture, and the ever-looming idea of a career. The semester is halfway over and I haven't even thought about making a music video. Sad.

What else? Hey! I'm officially checking out of school (mentally)! I suppose that may not be healthy, or good to admit out loud...but it's true. I plan on finishing as soon as humanly possible, and I will beg, plead and brown-nose as much as I need to. I have no shame about this.

But my sense of "self" has changed a lot. I don't take crap as much. I'm more assertive. I think people, in general, take me more seriously than they used to. I admit that I am affected by comments regarding my age. People say "You're too young to get married!" or "'re HOW OLD!?" Well you know what, world, thanks very much - you CAN'T pull the 'teenager' card any more, HA! :) And in approximately 18 months (or less PLEASE less), I will very well start "providing" for my family as Spencer finishes up school, or launch into a master's program. YES. I can make big decisions.

One regret about my 19th year? I've hardened. I've become a lot more bitter and cynical in general. I don't like it, and I'm really trying to overcome it. But situations being as they have been, I have found reason to feel hard....It's disappointing, really. I should know better.

Another thought about being thrust into the realm of adulthood. I think it would be easier if people, in general, were more supportive of each other. It's not that people are UNsupportive but to be supportive is to encourage and provide emotional help. I feel more of a general acceptance and tolerance rather than support. It's really sort of lonely, but does provide great opportunity for learning and growth when charting one's own path.

Well anyway. Who'd have thought this year would be so tough. But good. Tough. Good. I'm beginning to feel they're basically one in the same.


  1. Growing up sure in interesting. You seem to be doing it well though. You have a good head on your shoulders. I like the way you think. Good thing we're friends.