I see the light!

...er...i mean -the lightbulb has lit.

Recently I've been like this: BING!
Life has been like this: NAPALM!!!
BING! + NAPALM!! = ...WHATTHEHECK?! aga'owhegaosg;as;aosh!!!

I've been consistently assailed with opposition, obstacles, fear, contention, violence - in a sense - and much, much more! (AND if you call now, within the next TEN MINUTES I'll DOUBLE your order for FREE and add in a FREE order of criticism, selfishness and an entire set of hostility! - - retail value of 39.99!!)

So...that being said, i'm lucky enough to be emerging from this delicious wasteland.

I'll be honest though, i'm still feeling rather dejected. It's like this:

In High School there was this girl. We'll call her...Shaniqua. We were besties. We hung out, called each other on the phone and went skiing and crap. I told her a lot of things about myself. I opened up. I trusted her. Little did I know she didn't feel the same way about me. To her, our friendship was a chore and because of that she liked to share all my deep, dark secrets with, oh, everyone. I didn't care so much. I was of the 'eh..if it makes her happy..' mentality. We never talked about it. I still smiled at her and she still smiles at me. Needless to say, we never really hung out after that. All was well eventually, and even though the gossip stopped, she didn't care anymore and i didn't care any more, I still just didn't. want. to go there. Wrong? Maybe. I'm still deciding.

That, my friends is how i feel. People say and people do and even though it can all be smoothed over - often times you just don't want to keep going back, no matter how non-threatening it could continue to be.

It's like parents love to tell their kids - once that trust has been violated, it takes an awful lot to build it back up again. And i think that can be said for everyone (well, everyone who is a human, at least.)

They say they that when you need to make changes in your life, changes to who you are and how you're handling life - the Lord won't just make you improve. He'll give you opportunities to work and grow yourself. My life at it's current intersection is that opportunity.

Oh, and I can say wholeheartedly, and from recent personal experience that I'm SO GLAD Jesus' idea for the earth won - you know, agency and stuff? Cuz, lemme tell you, if Lucity-Luce were in charge and i couldn't do whatever the heck i wanted....i'd be SO ___explative of your choice____ UNHAPPY! (Frankly it'd be hell. - - -HA! Get it? Because Satan..is..and..hell...yaknow?...)

I've also been blessed to understand that marriage has nothing to do with college degrees, houses, and careers. It has nothing to do with how many countries you've visted or books you've read or service projects you've done. It has everything to do with a spark between two people and the choice to give, to take, and to stick around through it all because it's worth it, dangit!! And if you can look at someone's entirety with eyes of total respect, love and adoration - and they can look at you in the same light, regardless of everything you are or aren't - then, by jove, i say they should be together!!

I've also come to understand how (literally) anything that has to do with Disney makes me grossly happy.

And could someone please es'plain to me how this is a "bad idea":

-Equally obsessed with Disney
-Desire to live abroad
-Is, likewise, a geek
-Dogs rule, cats drool
-Appreciation for music beyond that of my own
-Wants to deck out all IKEA like
-Hopes to serve at least 1-2 more missions
-Similar childhood experiences
-Desire to start a business, like me
-Focused mind and strong spirit
-Willing to change
-Willing to call me out on what i need to change
-Supports and encourages my restless spirit
-Outgoing, loving, happy and warm
-Never wants to hurt me & takes care of me
-Strives to learn
-Passion for the Lord, life and love

seriously, guys. Seriously.....

Facts

I like my sister's engagement ring.
And my new camera can totally KICK PATOOTIE!

reminiscing

It seems as though i've hit a big fork in the road.
And i'm not talking just your average four-way stop-signed stop. It's even more deluxe-afied than a four way stop with traffic lights. I'm pretty sure this is one of those forks in the road where each road is basically a 5-8 lane road, and there aren't just two roads converging. There are definitely at least 5 or 6 roads converging all perpendicular and diagonal-wise.

On top of that it's one of those intersections where half the lanes have dotted lines to guide you so you're not really sure where to go, and there are random medians where you don't expect them to be and miscellaneous aarows pointing in directions you didn't even notice existed.

6 roads with 8 lanes. That's 12 different directions to go and ..what, 96 different possible combinations of lanes and directions?

Yeah. That's my kind of intersection.

Granted, it's all very thrilling! But unfortunately, i think some of the directions at the intersection have construction work and what not so they're not really options, but i look at them longingly for now. I don't quite know when construction will be finished, but i'd like it to be immediately, pleasekaythankyou.

Nevertheless -
My roommates, who were all put together I've no doubt by God's good grace and power, are getting married and/or moving on and away. The 6 of us will never live together again.
My college carreer is (technically) 50% complete. You always hear that these are the best days of your life, and I can't help but wonder if I'd agree. Time to assess.
My sister is graduating, engaged and moving on. Rock on MLE.

And despite it all, my ambition still makes me feel restless, and I remain painfully aware that the world is still spinning and is still very, very awake.

I'll find my place, yet.

oh feh...

sucks when you're happy and you can't really tell anyone about it.

Gifts

Mr. Ostensen in my 10th grade english class is quoted to have said (in relation to stories having a moral..) "When life is crapping all over you, are you really going to look back and say 'oh! just remember that slow little tortoise...'"In this case? Yeah, Mr.Ostensen, I am.
Why? He paced himself and knew what he wanted and needed but had the end in sight.
The Hare said he wasn't fast enough, but he was.
The Hare said he wouldn't make it to the end, but he did and he knew he would.
The Hare saw everything on the outside, and said "slow tortoise, slow tortoise...." but you know what? I think that tortoise knew himself better than the Hare did. The tortoise knew...and he just kept moving forward. And just because he wasn't doing things the Hare's way, doesn't mean he was wrong.
Actually, as we all know, he ended up being quite right.