Hicklety Pickelty

I feel like a good blog right about now. Personally, though, I feel like my own personal blog reserves are rather dry. My thoughts are all a-jumble and I don't really have the capacity to sort them and put them down in any inspirational or profound way.

I suppose that's almost a little profound, in and of itself though, don't you think?

As for me, I try to live in a way that is notable. I want to be a remarkable person. There are many people who i would consider "remarkable" and i seem to meet more on a weekly or even daily basis. They are people who are edgy, put together, ecletctic, intelligent and seemingly everything that i think i'd ever want to be. At least, they have at their disposal some choice characteristics that i, myself, would love to obtain and develop. Becasue of all this, I almost feel a little despondent or even guilty when I feel "average."

Granted, there are times where I accept "average." I killed myself in high school to maintain a 4.0. Worth it? Yes. But am I willing to ..Not.. excel in college? Oh yes. That's okay, i get it. But even still there's this voice in the back of my head telling me that's not good enough.

Nevertheless when i look at my life, my interests and what i want to be doing i feel so much pressure (from myself) because i feel like I don't have the resources. And by resources i mean time and money. I want to go to a Culinary Arts school - i always have. I want to be an EMT - i always have. I want to be formally trained as a photographer - i always have. I want to understand art more - and i always have. I want to get a degree in interior design, or graphic design or BOTH - i always have. I want to work in a hospital and always have. I want to get a business degree, too, and always have. I want to read books, find random poets or independent visual or music artists and travel the world - going to the run down hole-in-the-wall establishments, introducing myself to interesting people and learning their respective languages. I want to be fully veresed in international trends and couture, and decorate my home (or 1/2 of my apartment bedroom) with fabrics and art and sculpture from all around the world. I want to know and i want to learn and I just don't feel like i can and that is the most frustrating feeling in the world. What's even worse is I don't know if I'll ever get to do and see and know these things. I just don't know. I think that's the biggest reason i get restless. My spirit wants to reach out and understand but i just can't right now (or maybe even ever?!). So. Sad.

Oh well.
I think i'll just go guzzle down some more cough syrup, get over my bad self, and then change the world. Sounds like a plan.