i think:

thankyou

blessings

school

beautiful

thankyou

breathe

Christmas

happy

appreciate

clarity

exploding

afraid

God

leap

falling

God

afraid

free

thank. you.

God.

joy

schedule

astonishing

thank you

air

rejoice

God

glory

fairys

God

responsibility

God

remember

God

good

goodness

Thank You

lucky

so

lucky

so

lucky

so

lucky

so

somewhere out there

It's late again.
So obviously, i'm blogging.

What am i thinking about? Oh nothing too serious, really.

I'm just thinking about the fact that there's a meteor shower happening tonight. I can't see it, nor did I see any of it today. The sky was too cloudy and gray. But I feel like I saw it. The fact that it's happening - that little pieces of the universe are falling all around and above the planet is oddly satiating to the soul. I can picture what it would be like in my mind, and that's almost even more exciting! Reality plus a little imagination is something glorious, indeed! But as for the actual meteor shower? Well, someone's watching it somewhere out there. And I'm sure it's convincing someone that there is a God.

But I'm lucky enough to know that. So maybe I didn't need to see the meteors.

Personally, I'm just fine with the stars, thanks! Sometimes i feel bad for them, though. They always shine, they always show up, yet they're always neglected! People really only feel like looking at the stars when they feel lost in the world, when they're trying to have a moment with a significant other, or when there's something "cool" too see like a meteor shower. I think constellations are pretty neat just by themselves! And how sad when people feel disappointed when there are only a couple visible stars in the sky!! First off - ten points to those few stars! Way to shine!! But let's cut the other ones some slack, shall we? It's not like they've just decided not to show up. They're there - somewhere out there. But for whatever reason, the sky is covering them from our view.

And it's comforting - that the other ones are still shining some place in the sky. Let's just hope that someone's looking.


Oh and by the way? This is how i feel:

if the world were awake...

According to Jack Johnson the world IS awake.
(for somebody's sake now, please close your eyes, woman,
please get some sleep -
and you know that if i knew all of the answers
i would not hold them from you-
you'd know all of the things that i know -
cuz we told each other there is no other way! ooh oooooh ooo!)

But what i wonder is what if the world really WERE awake like me, posting blogs at ungodly hours of the morning. Hmm?!

I ask myself why i'm still awake. It's because people start to chat/talk to/text me at strange times of night. I guess people just open up a little more when their brains are running on exhausted reserves of adrenaline. Obviously, i am not exempt from that category (she said as she poured her soul into a blog.)
It's really true though! Walls become a little lower, the hinges of the doors are loosened, the bars of the cage widened and defenses put to rest. I quite like it, actually, it makes me feel more comfortable. Perhaps that's why i like to stay up late! Perhaps I find it comforting to know that all people can and do feel vulnerable. I guess it just sometimes takes a few extra hours of living.

So here's my conclusion:
Political and governmental negotiations of any sort - treaties, UN agreements, etc. etc. should all be made and discussed after midnight. And maybe, just maybe those terrorists would come out of the woodwork, and Osama would admit that all his angst is really just a pent up grudge against Aneesh, when she ran off with Yasuf back in high school and that he'd be willing to stop all the attacks if only they could talk it out over a nice steaming bowl of smoking bishop, (Bob Cratchit!!) and maybe a chocolate chip cookie, too.

what a beautiful mess

jason mraz is most eloquent. he is the master of word play, indeed.

but i shant post all those creepily accurate lyrics now.

As for today - well, it was a wonderful day!

I almost cried.
Not in the sad way, but in the "Wow" kind of way.
I looked at the trees coming home.
I love walking home but lately i've forgotten that i love it.
Today i remembered.
I looked at the trees, leaf-less and bare, and BEAUTIFUL. The twigs off the branches make the most beautiful patters in the sky.
Next time you have a minute, stop under a bare tree and just look at the lines. The texture is stunning.

I had a good time!
It was so refreshing to spend time with my roommates.
I love laughing but lately i've forgotten that i love it.
Today i remembered.
And we acted silly, joked with each other and suddenly those big, heavy, deep things that people get all in the gutter about all the time didn't seem so grave and melancholy.
Next time you have a minute, find the humor of the situation! It feels great.

I prayed.
Not in any different or more serious way, but just in a factual way.
I love the way i feel when i have a consistent pattern of worship and recognition in my life but lately i've neglected, and have forgotten to maintain it.
Today i remembered.
And I asked to be myself. I figure it's a righteous desire - to beeehehehee yourself. So sad to have not felt like it for the last little while.
Next time you have a minute, ask God for something that he wants for you, too. I'm sure He'll pass it right along :)

And in the cut & pasted words of Jason Mraz,

Things are going to happen naturally.
So i'm taking your advice and looking on the bright side and balancing the whole thing.
I won't worry my life away.
I'd do anything spontaneously.
There's no need to complicate.
Our time is short.

Life is wonderful.

yield: do you qualify?

It's 1:41 am. I want to go to sleep.


yield
   /yild/[yeeld]

–verb (used with object)

1. to give forth or produce by a natural process or in return for cultivation
check!
2. to produce or furnish (payment, profit, or interest)
check!
3. to give up, as to superior power or authority
check!
4. to give up or surrender (oneself)
check!
5. to give up or over; relinquish or resign
check!
6. to give as due or required
check!
7. to cause; give rise to
check!

–verb (used without object)

8. to give a return, as for labor expended; produce; bear.
check!
9. to surrender or submit, as to superior power
check!
10. to give way to influence, entreaty, argument, or the like
check!
11. to give place or precedence (usually fol. by to): to yield to another
check!
12. to give way to force, pressure, etc., so as to move, bend, collapse, or the like.
check!

....yeahp! guess i'm a yielder.


how about you?

the best definition of good intentions

Another blog!
(reminds me of "Another Openin' Another show!! la da da da da and Baltimo'!")

Another moment to try to organize this beautiful disaster floating around in my head.

Or not :)

First, I'll start with a story:

Once upon a time there was a girl and it was me. She woke up smiling and went to church. And she went with a softer, more malleable spirit than was usual on other Sundays, and surprise, surprise, it did her a lot of good. She sat thru her classes, hearing themes of forgiveness, the light of Christ, etc. etc. and she felt her burdens were already lighter. Words of wisdom passed thru her head "cast your burdens upon the Lord, for his yolk is light compared to the world in which you live." She smiled and again felt inspired. During sacrament meeting, she sat next to a friend with whom she couldn't help but be glad and again, more inspiration "declare your testimony of the gospel. In doing so you will find peace, joy and happiness." "Well," she thought, "who wouldn't want peace, joy and happiness!!" So she considered approaching the stand to publicly declare her knowledge to the congregation and to God. However due to her membership of a BYU single's ward, the task of approaching the pulpit on fast-and-testimony Sunday (an experience much like rushing the crowd of middle-aged women and angsty-teenage boys at a Rolling Stones concert, I'm sure) seemed a bit daunting. So she didn't speak at the pulpit. Had she the courage to have done so it would have gone a little something like this:

"Hello!" She adjusts the mic. It pops. "Oof!...my...that's...uh...ahem!!...sorry about that!" She clears her throat. "Well, I felt I should make my way up here today to express my testimony as an act of gratitude to my God. These past few weeks have been difficult for me, as I know they've been for many others, and had I not had the support of a loving, all-knowing Father in Heaven I have absolutely now idea how I would have handled it all. In the darkest of times, the knowledge of the truthfulness of the gospel and all it entails is what can bring perspective, and prevent further damage and alienation. I know it is true and I can see it everywhere and in everything. And there is nothing I find more refreshing than to find another metaphor, another analogy or another situation that parallels a principle of the gospel. I know that God gives us these reminders to help strengthen us along the way, on a daily basis, and-" she considers using an "i spy" or "where's waldo" analogy, but relinquishes due to the "inappropriate" context of such a comment ('but i once said "rock on" at the pulpit?!' -yes, and people remember you for that, not the rest of what you said, now don't they- 'true.') "and it's interesting to me to look for them every day, almost like a puzzle! And it makes me glad, and strengthens my testimony. Just the other day something crossed my path that made me understand the atonement just a little bit more. It had nothing to do with my New Testament class, but everything to do with Charles Dickens. And yesterday I realized," she paused, considering carefully her options (jamming out, boogying down, dancing) "listening to Mannheim Steamroller Christmas music that i cannot wait to spend time getting to know my sister, dad and mom for the rest of eternity. And it is thru these daily experiences, more than almost anything else, that I know God loves me. And because God loves me, it is no wonder His gospel is true. It is no wonder that He has sent prophets, apostles and living angels to this earth to see us through. It is no wonder He restored this knowledge to the earth. It is no wonder, and there is no doubt in my mind of its truthfulness. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

But as we know, she didn't get to the pulpit.
In fact, she never left her seat.
Oh well! Maybe next time.
After church, this girl went to ward choir practice. They sounded so lovely, watched her direct intently and were so gentle in the way they sang "silent night" that again, the girl was touched. Afterward, she had the opportunity to smile more with the love and friendliness of those around her who sought out her company. What a Godly thing to do - to seek someone out like that. Then she went home, to be greeted by roommates. They took family pictures, and they really did feel like a family again. She loved it when she and the other 5 girls felt like a family. What a glorious feeling! To be so close as to feel like really, blood-related sisters. It is in those moments when we can really understand the sisterhood of the women on this earth, and the brotherhood of all people across all time! We are all God's children.

Persuasion came next (after a quick visiting teaching appointment) and her heart flew a little. Jane Austen novels, attractive English men, fine acting and film all in British dialect can do one's heart so much good. Not to mention all of it taking place in a room with a squealing, giddy and gleeful couple of girls! It's a movie that can really make you think - and for this girl? Well, she thought. The story deals a lot with firmness of character, determination, forgiveness, understanding, and communication. She asked herself "Hmm...'twere it me - would I be easily persuaded? If I found something so good for me, would I be easily talked out of it or talked out of it at all?!" Not too long after she realized she wouldn't be. What's right is right, what's wrong is wrong, and anything that's more vague than that should just be ignored, right? :)
Too bad life's a little more complicated than that.

Yadda yadda yadda, the girl wound up at her house, with her family, a friend, and a beautiful angel. They ate, they laughed, and nothing - no, nothing - could have been more revitalizing for a tired countenance. (But, some Razzleberry dressing would be nice!!) The irony of things done, the humor of things said, and the twinkling Christmas decor was a fine addition to an already fine day.

Returning to her apartment, the girl ran off to visit teach Marie Bond. What is it about people that can see right beyond such wonderful people like Marie? There is no other girl as centered, as cheerful, as driven, and as entirely admirable as Marie Bond (or, at least not that was known to our story.) Moving on with her day, the girl stopped by a friend's house to give a gift of St. Andrews. It feels neat to be able to do neat things.

And then came some evening hymn singing. "Contrary to public opinion," the girl thought, "it's really some singing on a Sunday evening that helps the medicine go down! ...Or something..."

But what was truly miraculous happened upon REALLY returning back to the apartment. Waiting for her, gently bobbing on the waves as they lapped onto the shore (and by that I really mean "sitting on her kitchen table") was a message in a bottle. The girl was truly tickled. A message in a bottle?! Who's really received a genuine, personalized message in a bottle?! (Cue Sting: Message in a boooottleeeee...dun nuh nuh nuhhh nnuhhh nuhhhh!) Again, she smiled and opened it, smiled some more and continued on her merry way, smiling, and keeping company with herself and with others, until the evening came.

And it was then when she found true closure; when she got to hug her beautiful angel friend, help her into bed, tuck her in and kiss her head goodnight. Somehow, some way - the girl was remeinded that in her life there was, truly, So Much to look forward to.

Now "I'm in need of some serious repose."

But I think if I were to add some things to my list of happies in my joy journal they would be this:
1. New mascara
2. Happy people
3. Making Christmas (la la la!)
4. Revelation
5. Finding things in common with new friends
6. Being an instrument
7. Feeling hopeful so much that all you can do is laugh!
8. The moment when you realize you left makeup marks on a boy's white collard shirt after a hug. Oops!
9. Stuffed animals
10. The smell of pine
11. Knowing there's someone IN love with someone that you love a lot :)
(but....that's a secret that no one knows!)

i feel

Have you ever thought about that moment at the end of the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie where Captain Barbossa gets shot? He says "I feel...cold." (If i remember correctly.) I was always impressed with Geoffrey Rush and how beautifully he conveyed that moment. For a long time this man has felt no feeling - no pain, no joy, no physical, or emotional anything so it would seem. Then finally, though a scary feeling, and rather unique moment - the last moment before death - he feels. And that look on his face, and that apple that falls and rolls away is so very, very special, I think.

And that's a lot like me sometimes: willingly making the choice not to feel for a while - or only to selectively feel. Sometimes I think it's a subconscious defense mechanism. Your body - emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically- is communicating with itself and if something is going out of wack the others will do what they can to keep everything else stable, right? And so, I think, everything can take it's turn going numb.

Until you stop. Until you stop and decide to think about everything. It's easy to be numb when you don't have the time to really feel.

And, quite a bit like Barbossa's death, they may not be the most desirable feelings in the world, but they're awfully refreshing because they're SOMETHING.

Needless to say, happiness is a feeling. It sure is something. And for me, I'm lucky to say, it's a pretty consistent something. I remember writing a little ditty of a song that went something like this:

"I wake up late, the sun shines gold
I don't know much, i don't know much
I wake up and wait for life to unfold
I don't know much, I don't know much"

And that still holds true. Life happens, and I react. I can also make life happen, but continue to react. Nevertheless, we can't help the ups and downs which are, actually, pretty inevitable. I KNOW! Shocking, RIGHT?!

It amazes me, still, that happiness can still sparkle thru even the toughest times. It just goes to show what a powerful, overwhelming emotion joy can truly be. And how overwhelming is it to be able to say on days where things, well, implode: I'm happy.
No wonder it's such a big deal that man is that he might have it.

So, strangely content I remain. Content in my instability. Content in my occasional numbness. Content in my hopefulness and content in my helplessness. Content in my pain. Content in my comfort. Content in trial. Content in victory. Content in my responsibilities. Content in obscurity. Content in clarity. Content in the out of control way of things. But mostly content in the guidance and goodness of God, and thus content in the capacity to always have reason to rejoice.