Friday, October 31, 2008

just some mind vomit for another thoughtful evening

Oh, all right then. Just this once.

Think about it - it makes sense.

Really, pick any metaphor you like.

Monday, October 27, 2008

The Magnificence of Man

I read a talk today by Elder Russel M. Nelson. He's pretty much the man.

"God has made it plain over and over again that the world was made for mankind. We are here to work out our divine destiny, according to an eternal plan that was presented to us in the great council of heaven. Our bodies have been created to accommodate our spirits, to allow us to experience the challenges of mortality and continue our eternal progression."

Thought #1:
See first italics.
I know that God created this world for me, for us and for everyone and everything in it. Every single day of my life, God blesses me and my senses with this world and everything in it, and for that i am most grateful.

Thought #2:
See second italics.
I think that a challenge of mortality for me is that my body wasn't made to accommodate my spirit at all! It's too tired, mostly, too restless, too constricting, and too lots of other things sometimes (most times) for my spirit to be content. I think that's why i feel somewhat anxious on a daily basis.
But it's okay. I'm willing to face that challenge.



Sunday, October 26, 2008


Also, this is kind of how i'm feeling. Strange, I know.

so you say it's your birthday

For the first time in years i forgot to write in my journal. Actually, forgetting to write in my journal is nothing unusual at all! But I always always always take my last opportunity as a 15 year old, 16 year old, 17 year old but not 18 year old to write in my journal and jot down a few quick thoughts about what i am feeling and how I feel about my life and my situation.

Oh well.

Life is always fabulous and my situation is always in a mild state of obscurity and upset. Same ol' same ol'....

But I've really come to appreciate, over the past little while, the richness of life. There is so much to drink in every day, and i've come to know that if i'm really having an off day, it's manifest by the fact that i do not enjoy my walk home. It's long, yeah, but i LOVE my walk home. I love walking across the grass, crunching the leaves. I LOVE the color yellow and that it saturates everything I see. I love the air in the fall so much. It seems to me that the air in the fall is very much like the air around 1:00 in the morning during the summers. It's chilly, yet invigorating, and people go nuts! At that time of the morning during summers, or in the fall, everyone seems to be running on adrenaline - exhausted by the day (or the continuous weeks) - and yet there's this ignorant grin on everyone's faces. Still so happy, yet so strangely and temporarily misaligned.

There is always something in the air. Right now? Anticipation.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

i'm just sayin'

So - i was on the infamous facebook today, you know - that terribly addictive force that seems to have a physical binding pressure in people's lives. No one sends out paper invitations with R.S.V.P's anymore - (an RSV-WHAT!?) no,'s all on facebook "Events" and "groups." Fine. I can deal with that.

What i wonder about are the status updates. You've got people who really wear their emotions on their sleeve and every 10 minutes or so, So-and-so is feeling low, so-and-so is so glad whatever just happened, so-and-so really needs a hug, so-and-so wants to scream. But for the most part, people don't like so-and-so's all too frequent and honest status updates. Most people try to put something witty, something fresh, something fun.

But what if we all really put our "stati" as they really are. What if it actually said "Lizzy Dabczynski is wondering if that boy in the library will stop humming because if he doesn't, she may just go MAD!" or "Lizzy Dabczynski thinks So-And-So needs to grow a backbone, stop complaining and get over their bad-selves" or "Lizzy Dabczynski thinks people need to learn how to communicate properly and learn the age-old art of compliments and flattery when in the game of wooing."
If people put their REAL status' on facebook, i think there just might be a valid forecast of world peace in the near future.

I'm just sayin....

Monday, October 13, 2008

the walk home

and with a tear in her eye and mild sadness in her heart, she realized she would not ever see the sun set from all angles of the earth.

How ARE you?

He asks how I am,
And so, how am I?
My days are the usual day.
I wake up, I go out,
Time goes by.
My days are exactly the days
I have lived since arriving here.

So why is it lately I find I’m
Uneasy all through the night?
And why even now does my skin
Feel explosive as dynamite?
Why does my heart pound
Like a battering ram?
How can he ask me how I am?
How I am is fine!

But really, this is what i said:
How am i? Well, let me tell you!
tired (obviously :) and i apologize to the world for it), anxious - yet excited - sad that the world is so beautiful and i have so little time to see it, but glad that i get to see what i do get to see every day, i am at peace because i know God loves me but unsettled as to whether he knows (or, rather if i'm showing actively enough) that i love Him, I am grateful and yet sinfully covetous
with much apprehension, but lucky ignorance
and in that, i remain oddly contented and extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemely fantastically thrilled to still be breathing and grateful for life and for laughing.
But mostly grateful for the ability to smile unconditionally.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

another day brings me back here.

Everyone wants to write something, i think. They want to write something that changes lives, that affects someone and that really hits the spot, whatever that spot may be. It's gotta have "it!" Whatever the "it" refers to.

I don't think this is that blog.

I think this is just the blog that everyone writes when they're trying to write the spectacular memoir on life and religion, or on living in harmony - as one with oneself and with the world. This is that blog - that pseduo-spectacular thing - that is interesting to none but the reader.

Thought number one:
Isn't it delightful to be touched? I think so. It's quite pleasing to have someone want to be close to you. It gives you the impression that they care and may have particular interest. Juxtapose it with all the strings attached and it's not so much fun anymore.

Thought number two:
"Isn't it funny?!" She says and looks at me, laughing with mutual appreciation and understanding, while simultaneously he spouts "Isn't it funny?!" with that same look of awareness and comprehension. And then, looking from her to him, him to her, it all makes sense. The phrase "middle man" comes to life, as does the phrase "3rd wheel." And it all makes sense that Dan in Real Life is biographical and so very, very true tl life. All you can expect is to be surprised, and..SURPRISE! Sometimes things just happen. Which is good! But why, then, is there so much apprehension? And why is it that the unwritten rules are what keep everything all at bay? Doesn't it just make sense for everything to work out great? But - are personal insecurities, and self esteem more important than mutual attraction and happy endings? Probably. And that's when reality sets in again. Don't you just wanna kick it and smash it with a frying pan?!?!

And then there is everyone else. It's good that there are other options. It makes it a little easier pill to swallow. It's nice that everyone else is kind, and attractive and mildly invested, perhaps. I'm too used to it, though, i suppose. I should be independent and take time to "figure myself out" That's not what i want.

Mostly, I do just want to not have to try. It scares me to have to get to know people - i dont' know how! I've gotten too used to being myself, my whole self, all the time and not being judged for it. What then? What if it's not desirable. What if it's not wanted or appreciated.

Why can't we all just be honest and say what we feel!?